remember to feel real
I find it hard to take...
...when people run in circles. It's a very, very mad world
writer

Samantha. Twenty-one. Occassionly enjoys being a dork with a capital D and has officially given up bath tub racing because its just too draining.

loves

Making/recieving letters, flying kites, bendy straws, glitter, coffee w/ hot cocoa mix, corny jokes, graffiti on trains, oragami, making up words for my dictionary I plan to write one day, sound effects, people, laughing, heretical ideas, word plays, eating animal crackers from my pocket & handlebar moustaches.

wanted

A slack-line, a herd of pup-dogs, to reside temporarily in the wilds from time to time, 80's style sunglasses, which cover the entire top portion of your face, & a genetically altered tree that grows money. I'm still waiting on that.

links

Deviantart

Bored?

Exploding Dog

Natalie Dee

Drogue Designs

30Sec Bunny Theatre

past

  • November 2004
  • December 2004
  • January 2005
  • February 2005
  • March 2005
  • April 2005
  • May 2005
  • June 2005
  • July 2005
  • August 2005
  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • September 2006
  • October 2006
  • November 2006
  • December 2006
  • January 2007
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • May 2007
  • June 2007
  • July 2007
  • August 2007
  • September 2007
  • October 2007
  • November 2007
  • December 2007
  • January 2008
  • February 2008
  • March 2008
  • April 2008
  • June 2008
  • July 2008
  • August 2008
  • September 2008
  • October 2008
  • November 2008
  • December 2008
  • January 2009
  • February 2009
  • March 2009
  • April 2009
  • May 2009
  • June 2009


  • x

    skin by afterbirth
    the creator of this pattern is unknown, if it's yours please email afterbirth.
    Friday, June 12, 2009
    Nurse Sex Talk

    Overdue on an update.

    Books:
    Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
    Naked by David Sedaris
    Nature's Wonders: Bees
    Tent by Margaret Atwood

    Music:
    Backyards Of Our Neighbors - Au Revoir Simone
    Wayside/Back in Time by Gillian Welch
    The Girl & the Robot by Royksopp

    Movies:
    Thumbsucker
    Everything is Illuminated
    Wasp Woman
    Howl's Moving Castle (anime)

    Much has happened. From May 17-26 I spent time floating down the Missouri river, hiking, camping, dressing up, swimming, enjoying the final company of people I had come to known over the past year. For the summer I'm watching kiddos for two families and donating plasma. Also been indulging in much hangage which consists of things such as drawing with sidewalk chalk, watching Land Before Time, scavenging alleys and dumpsters for treasures. Hiding presents in the library for unsuspecting patrons to find, bike rides along the river and inhaling the fragrant bushes and flowers. Also took a skinny dip at night with a dear gal pal.

    Yesterday while I was at BioLife (facility where plasma donations take place) and chose to recieve a tetanus booster because I was due and they would pay me an extra $10. She gave me a handout that explains why people need a tetanus shot and etc. On the paper it explained how tetanus produces a toxin that affects the nervous system and the vaccine is made by rendering the toxin harmless through treating it with formaldehyde. I asked the nurse several questions which included, "Doesn't formaldehyde cause cancer?" (I looked it up on the National Cancer Institute website. It says, "Formaldehyde has been classified as a known human carcinogen (cancer-causing substance) by the International Agency for Research on Cancer and as a probable human carcinogen by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency" Hopefully the amount used in the booster was an insignificant amount.) To which she didn't know the answer. I also asked her how tetanus is contacted exactly. Where does it come from? I thought the whole rusty nail scenario was a bit of an exaggeration, but thats what she explained. It was interesting, because she didn't seem very confident in her answers and I was a bit dissappointed. Being a nurse, shouldn't you know this? She kept telling me those were good questions and that she had never thought about that before. From Wikipedia, "Tetanus is often associated with rust, especially rusty nails, but this concept is somewhat misleading. Objects that accumulate rust are often found outdoors, or in places that harbor anaerobic bacteria, but the rust itself does not cause tetanus nor does it contain more C. tetani bacteria. The rough surface of rusty metal merely provides a prime habitat for a C. tetani endospore to reside, and the nail affords a means to puncture skin and deliver endospore into the wound. An endospore is a non-metabolising survival structure that begins to metabolise and cause infection once in an adequate environment. Because C. tetani is an anaerobic bacterium, it and its endospores will thrive in an environment that lacks oxygen. Hence, stepping on a nail (rusty or not) may result in a tetanus infection, as the low-oxygen (anaerobic) environment of a puncture wound provides the bacteria with an ideal breeding ground." More: http://www.answers.com/topic/tetanus. Apparently the bacterium that causes tetnus occrs in soil and the intestinal tracts of people and animals.

    Moving on. Anyhow. While she was drawing the vaccine she asked if I was going into the medical field and I said no, I only like to be informed. I told her about Jennifer Ackerman's book, "SEX SLEEP EAT DRINK DREAM: A Day in the Life of Your Body" and how I really enjoyed the book because it talked about how our digestive system works and how benefical sex is. It was funny, because she seemed really interested in the sex part and implied that she doesn't get sex very often. I told her that morning and the afternoon are the best time to get down because often if you wait til the night, you may be too tired/stressed. I explained that orgasms have the benefit of relaxing and reducing stress along with boosting the immune system. She went on and mentioned that it's difficult for her to orgasm, (I assume "getting there") but when she does, it's great. I advised that maybe she just needs a patient and understanding partner that's willing to work with her.
    Haha. I was amused with how open and frank she was about her life. I hope she finds a lover, she seemed lonely. Then again, seems like everyone is.

    Monday, May 04, 2009
    X-amount of Words

    Now deleted and defeated
    I will stand on my own
    Yeah your memory that punches me
    has broken the bone

    Give me recipes for sorry
    I'm admitting I'm wrong
    Still your memory that punches me
    has broken the bone

    Sunday, May 03, 2009
    Dreaming of Yellow

    Currently listening to X-Amount of Words by Blue October on repeat and reading publications.

    Last night I dreamt of yellow.
    I also dreamt of cutting my hair and having discussions with unknown people about the condition and my attempt at giving myself an updated do'.
    A boy I have yet to meet appeared in my dreams as well.
    I was in a waiting room of some generic office. I was passing a coffee table piled with various magazines. As I was walking by, I recognized his face. There were several images of him on the covers of magazines, featuring him as an up and coming writer. Apparently he had reached semi-celebrity and was being raved about by various critics. I went to pick up the magazines to get a better look to make sure it was him. His image would elude me, and at times the photo would be segmented. I would only be able to grasp portions of his face or part of his torso (apparently he was modeling shirtless?). Couldn't see the whole when I tried. The secretary at the front desk made a comment about how he oozed sex appeal or something. I can't remember her words clearly. Anyhow, the secretary in my dreams thought he was a dignified sexy beast.

    "The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand, if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents cowardice and sickness. You may have a fear or an inability to make a decision or take action. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks."

    **Edit: I just remembered what the yellow was in reference to. I dreamt that I had yellow worm larvae things living within my belly button. Upon discovering them, I killed them. Afterwards I was paranoid that I hadn't gotten them all and there were still a few left. This I assume, would put the dream in a negative connotation. Which would make sense, since I've been fearing making certain choices in regards to school and my personal life. Hm. Interesting.

    Sunday, April 26, 2009
    Human Interaction Stock Exchange

    'We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do.'

    - Greg Behrendt

    Sunday, April 05, 2009
    The Youth is Starting to Change Us

    Recently asked a friend what the purpose of halos on angels were. His suggestion was that they could be used as a bunsen burner to cook on. Now I have this image of an angel making breakfast and yelling, "Yo Fred! Your eggs are ready!"

    Wake Up by Dr. Dog lyrics:

    Oh, wake up
    Wake up, wake uuuup
    We are only part of a dream
    All the things in your heart
    Like the things in your head
    Are only what they seem

    Books:
    Mortality by Nicholas Royle
    Side Effects by Andrew Burroughs
    Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
    SEX SLEEP EAT DRINK DREAM: A Day in the Life of Your Body by Jennifer Ackerman
    Handmaid's Tale by Margarett Atwood


    Music:
    Ra Ra Riot
    Bat for Lashes
    Bon Iver
    Aberfeldy
    Andrew Bird
    Roisin Murphy

    Short Story: Monopoly Date by Michael Hey

    She reaches for her seatbelt, realizing then she’s already wearing one. He, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to need his. Doesn’t have that kind of patience – to sit still for any length of time.

    Riding in his car, she understands for the first time in her life, the feeling of being a passenger. But the car is a Jaguar. Fear and excitement mingle in the pit of her stomach, storehouse of ambiguous feelings. He steps on the accelerator. She wonders bravely about what lies in store.

    He had picked her up at seven.
    “Where are you taking me?” she had asked, kicking off her uncomfortable shoes.
    “My place,” he had said, with the air of someone used to taking shortcuts with impunity.
    And now, much too soon, they are there. The drive has left her feeling empty, like an over-priced amusement that ended too abruptly and too soon.

    “Would you like to come upstairs?” he asks, gallantly holding the door. She smiles feebly, as if she has just been given an option. He leads her to the elevator. Once inside, she watches him press “P” for “penthouse.”

    The studio is spartan, in an expensive way. Twin towers of speakers stand guard on either side of the large bay window, yet there are no CDs to be seen or heard. The sparsely populated bookshelf contains classics such as Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and Development for Fun and Profit.
    The wide open space is dominated by a futon and a low table, on which he has set up a board game. For refreshment, there are chips and coke.

    “Let’s play monopoly,” he says, as if this just now occurred to him. He seems comfortable in this mode of mock spontaneity.

    “OK,” she replies unenthusiastically, wondering if dating white boys is always this exciting. Soon the game is underway – he the sports car, and she in the role of an old shoe with a gaping hole, game pieces he has chosen and laid out beforehand.

    After the opening round, he owns the utilities, and she has to pay up.

    “What was that?” he asks, but she didn’t say anything. The potato chips are gone, and her stomach has begun to growl.

    “Nothing,” she says, rolling two sixes for the third time in a row. How appropriate, she thinks, to be rotting in jail. (For the uninitiated: Though the rule is contentious, it is a criminal offence to roll doubles three times in a roll – punishable by incarceration!)

    After that, neither says anything for a while, though her stomach continues to growl conspicuously. She thinks that maybe she could like him, if only he were different somehow, or, perhaps, a different
    person altogether.

    He buys and buys and buys. He acquires Pennsylvania Avenue, and Park Place, and also manages to purchase Reading Railroad. “I should marry this guy,” she muses bitterly from her jail cell.

    He has always been under the mistaken impression that the reason he gets what he wants is that he’s a “risk taker.” Such is the arrogance of privilege. The real reason, of course, is that there is no reason; that it is an unreasonable expectation to have everything one wants.

    The experience of this date is surreal enough, for her not to realize quite how miserable it is. For one thing, she knows that win or lose, all games must end – eventually. But more keenly, she is aware of the fact that things could always be worse, somehow.

    It is this mixture of hope and dread that makes it possible for her to continue, one toss at a time. A mixture that is symbolized by a stack of pink cards in the middle of the board: the stack called “Chance.”

    The board itself is best described as a square circle, or perhaps a circular square. The same misery resurfaces over and over. Somehow, she manages to stretch the $200 she earns to cover her utilities and railway fares, to live another day. And every time she has to pay, she glances briefly at the pink deck of cards, taunting her like a lottery stub hidden in one’s pocket.

    For him too, these are busy times. He has started to develop his properties. It begins with a few houses here and there, but he is looking ahead. His ultimate dream is for two luxury hotels – one on Park Place, and the other – he salivates as he thinks of it – Boardwalk.

    It would be wrong to suggest that she owned no property at all. She does aquire Baltic, and Vermont, and a few others as well. And at one point he even lands on Vermont, and is forced to pay her for a change. He pays his 12 dollars graciously, in cash, and seems to harbor no ill will towards her.

    CHANCE
    “Go on, pick it up,” he says, unsmiling. And yet his voice is not without warmth. She has landed on chance after all, and he is happy for her. And then he surprises her with something akin to kindness. “Don’t be afraid,” he says.

    What he noticed was not her hesitation, but the slight trembling of her fingers in picking up the card, and of her lips in reading it, first to herself and then aloud. But these tender moments pass. In the end, the card, as most things in life, proves a bitter disappointment.

    “Get him a beer,” she reads, unable to mask her incredulity. But any doubt as to the authenticity of the card is quickly dispelled by his humorless smile. And so she does as she must, lingering in the kitchen just long enough to steal a pickle from the pickle jar. Surely he won’t notice it missing, even if this happens to be the only food in the fridge. She does know, of course, that in life, as in Monopoly, stealing is against the rules.

    He seems genuinely grateful for the beer, even confiding that he prefers a glass, and telling her, in a completely non-threatening way, where glasses are kept. At the same time she lands on Pennsylvania Avenue, with its three pretty green houses, and for the first time in the game she can’t pay.
    “I can’t pay,” she says.

    “You could mortgage Vermont,” he offers. She follows his financial advice.

    COMMUNITY CHEST
    Though he lifts the card with some trepidation, his fears are soon laid to rest.
    “The city is having a celebration in your honor,” he reads. “Your opponent shall bring you a beer.” He passes her the card to prove that he isn’t making this up. (For the uninitiated: the Community Chest is yellow, not pink). And while she’s in the kitchen, getting his beer, he does something dreadfully unsavory; he helps himself to an extra $500 from the bank. He then uses the money to build another house on Pennsylvania.

    When, a little later in the game, she visits Pennsylvania for the second time, there is nothing left for her to mortgage.

    “I have nothing left to mortgage,” she says.

    “I will let you borrow from the bank,” he offers graciously. This is a clever bending of the rules on his part. Allowing her to borrow from the bank, rather than lending her the money directly, frees up some extra cash for him to invest. In this way the game is prolonged past its natural end, something he sees as a win-win situation.

    COMMUNITY CHEST (again)
    Here she can be forgiven for hoping, absurdly, that maybe, finally, it will be his turn to get her a beer. She reads the card in utter disbelief.

    “You have violated the public dress code. Remove your blouse.”
    She looks at him helplessly. He has no comfort for her, his cold hard gaze already focused on the garment about to be removed.

    The game continues for another half hour, during which time he allows her to borrow the entire bank, so that all cash in circulation is now in his possession. At the same time, she finds herself violating the dress code on two more occasions, forcing her to remove both her skirt, and her bra. And to top it all off, she is forced to clean his toilet, on her hands and knees, leaving her to conclude that this could be absolutely the worst date ever, in the entire history of dating.

    BOARDWALK (with hotel)
    Finally, his grand vision has been realized. And the only sad part of it is that even the bank has no money left to lend her.
    “The game is over,” she sighs, shivering slightly in her socks and panties. “I guess I lost.”

    “No,” he says quietly, without a trace of humor in his voice. “The game is not over, and will not be over, until you pay back what you owe.
    “That’s ridiculous. We can start writing promissory notes if you want, but I will never ever climb out of this financial hole. I have no properties, and no income to speak of. My debt can only grow.
    “That’s not true.”
    “How can I possibly pay you back?”

    “You can suck my cock,” he says evenly. And she finds herself wondering when this game became so serious, and what it would take for someone – anyone – to point out that the rules make no sense. She tries to formulate this new-found realization in her brain. Perhaps, she is even trying to give voice to her thought, but there is no point. It has become impossible to say anything with his cock already embedded in her throat

    Saturday, April 04, 2009
    Lametown

    If I could only let things go and not be so consumed with this.
    If I could only be fully content with myself.
    Things would be much simpler in my life.
    I would save myself so much wasted time and energy.

    Sigh.

    Tuesday, March 24, 2009
    This isn't your soul

    Don’t hurt yourself
    Like you’re known to do
    Don’t look for what’s not there
    You’ve been running around with those butterflies
    Putting tulips in their hair
    Well you should know by now
    That you’ll only lose
    There’s nothing you can say, nothing you can do
    You got too many ideas building up inside of you
    And they’re leaking out your shoes,
    And there’s no one to show them to
    No, there’s no one to show them to.

    Well she wants to be, with every boy she finds obscene
    Just to know, they want her
    And she wants to show, how good she sings
    Just to prove, she’s talented
    Oh, Oh, Oh made it so,
    She’s starving for attention Oh No Oh, Oh

    But I guess you can’t see, with that glimmer in your eye
    But that light always goes out in the middle of the night
    When you wake up from dreams of big black spiders in the sink
    Who is laying by your side?
    And who makes you feel alive?
    Who makes you feel alive?

    And so there is no telling what you need through the sheets
    Some darker place that you ignore until it violently repeats
    And what is it the hand she brushed across your thigh
    That made you realize you’ll be alone until the day you die

    -That Light Always Goes Out by The Teeth