Bloggings

Step right in

2010-02-12T13:29:00.002-06:00

I've been all up in the folds of my mind, residing in the Thought Warehouse.

Been thinking a lot of what construes identity, the dynamics of relationships - both lover and platonic, where we're going, where we've been, our values, our pereceptions...and how these affect how we interact with each other and our surroundings, why we make the choices we do, reasonings and motivations for things, etc.

Spent almost two weeks in Egypt in January. It was a mind fuck, but I gained some insights. Culture is such a strange thing the way it shapes us. People fear differences. This is where hate comes in. We become afraid of what we don't understand.

I read the book The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood... its a companion to Oryx and Crake. It goes over religion, science, philosophy and how humanity manages to perservere despite it's struggles.

Last night I watched the movie Red Without Blue and it followed two twin brothers and one's choice to become a transgender individual. Everyone was torn up by who they thought they should be and who they were percieved to be. Gender and sex do not always fall into the traditional roles of male and female. There are variations in between. Hormones, gene interaction, and chromosomes can have an influence. Also factors during conception, gestation, and child rearing/environment may play a role in how people percieve their gender. I just don't think its as simple as saying, "This person is the way they are because of how they were brought up." Or, "They weren't raised right."

Other than that, planning to graduate this summer. Doing two internships, one at a vet clinic as a vet tech and the other working on farm. I'm glad I have those as experiences. Taking 3 other ok classes. They aren't atrocious, but not a kicking good time either.

Whoa!

2009-11-23T00:08:00.002-06:00

Everywhere I look someone is getting engaged, married, or having a baby. Some folks I know are on their third child...and are not much older than I am! I'm 22! Good gravy. What is the rush?

I don't feel like I'm missing out. I guess I'm a bit perplexed to why its all happening at once. Its scary is all. I realize its a time where most folks tend to start settling down. Many of them will be or have graduated from college.

Sigh.

Its a difference in values, too I suppose. I still want to experience different things. The committment of a marriage or a baby is quite intimidating. This is not to say either of those things are bad. They are not. I think it takes serious consideration, is all.

I dunno. I still feel like a young kid at times, and not anywhere to being an "adult". Although, by definition I am one. I'm still figuring "life" out.

So sorry

2009-11-21T16:57:00.001-06:00

We're so helpless
We're slaves to our impulses
We're afraid of our emotions
And no one knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
That the answer isn't for us
No the answer isn't for us

- Feist

Can't sleep

2009-10-18T05:41:00.005-05:00

I can't sleep at night because I'm lonely.
I find ways to pass the time such as: late night cleaning parties. Such as: one person dance parties. Of course, the irony in this is that they aren't really parties since they consist of only one person - myself. But in the end I feel productive even though I'm alone. This must count for something. Besides, one's own pride from completing tasks is all that really matters. To fulfill goals for others can't be defined as living. At that point might as well buy a coffin and pick out a plot in a local cemetary. I can't imagine a life to be quite as fulfilling if lived to meet other's expectations.

Sad people

2009-09-12T10:51:00.000-05:00

What
Do sad people have in
Common?

It seems
They have all built a shrine
To the past
And often go there
And do a strange wail and
Worship.

What is the beginning of
Happiness?

It is to stop being
So religious
Like That.

-Hafiz

Nurse Sex Talk

2009-06-12T11:58:00.002-05:00

Overdue on an update.

Books:
Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
Naked by David Sedaris
Nature's Wonders: Bees
Tent by Margaret Atwood

Music:
Backyards Of Our Neighbors - Au Revoir Simone
Wayside/Back in Time by Gillian Welch
The Girl & the Robot by Royksopp

Movies:
Thumbsucker
Everything is Illuminated
Wasp Woman
Howl's Moving Castle (anime)

Much has happened. From May 17-26 I spent time floating down the Missouri river, hiking, camping, dressing up, swimming, enjoying the final company of people I had come to known over the past year. For the summer I'm watching kiddos for two families and donating plasma. Also been indulging in much hangage which consists of things such as drawing with sidewalk chalk, watching Land Before Time, scavenging alleys and dumpsters for treasures. Hiding presents in the library for unsuspecting patrons to find, bike rides along the river and inhaling the fragrant bushes and flowers. Also took a skinny dip at night with a dear gal pal.

Yesterday while I was at BioLife (facility where plasma donations take place) and chose to recieve a tetanus booster because I was due and they would pay me an extra $10. She gave me a handout that explains why people need a tetanus shot and etc. On the paper it explained how tetanus produces a toxin that affects the nervous system and the vaccine is made by rendering the toxin harmless through treating it with formaldehyde. I asked the nurse several questions which included, "Doesn't formaldehyde cause cancer?" (I looked it up on the National Cancer Institute website. It says, "Formaldehyde has been classified as a known human carcinogen (cancer-causing substance) by the International Agency for Research on Cancer and as a probable human carcinogen by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency" Hopefully the amount used in the booster was an insignificant amount.) To which she didn't know the answer. I also asked her how tetanus is contacted exactly. Where does it come from? I thought the whole rusty nail scenario was a bit of an exaggeration, but thats what she explained. It was interesting, because she didn't seem very confident in her answers and I was a bit dissappointed. Being a nurse, shouldn't you know this? She kept telling me those were good questions and that she had never thought about that before. From Wikipedia, "Tetanus is often associated with rust, especially rusty nails, but this concept is somewhat misleading. Objects that accumulate rust are often found outdoors, or in places that harbor anaerobic bacteria, but the rust itself does not cause tetanus nor does it contain more C. tetani bacteria. The rough surface of rusty metal merely provides a prime habitat for a C. tetani endospore to reside, and the nail affords a means to puncture skin and deliver endospore into the wound. An endospore is a non-metabolising survival structure that begins to metabolise and cause infection once in an adequate environment. Because C. tetani is an anaerobic bacterium, it and its endospores will thrive in an environment that lacks oxygen. Hence, stepping on a nail (rusty or not) may result in a tetanus infection, as the low-oxygen (anaerobic) environment of a puncture wound provides the bacteria with an ideal breeding ground." More: http://www.answers.com/topic/tetanus. Apparently the bacterium that causes tetnus occrs in soil and the intestinal tracts of people and animals.

Moving on. Anyhow. While she was drawing the vaccine she asked if I was going into the medical field and I said no, I only like to be informed. I told her about Jennifer Ackerman's book, "SEX SLEEP EAT DRINK DREAM: A Day in the Life of Your Body" and how I really enjoyed the book because it talked about how our digestive system works and how benefical sex is. It was funny, because she seemed really interested in the sex part and implied that she doesn't get sex very often. I told her that morning and the afternoon are the best time to get down because often if you wait til the night, you may be too tired/stressed. I explained that orgasms have the benefit of relaxing and reducing stress along with boosting the immune system. She went on and mentioned that it's difficult for her to orgasm, (I assume "getting there") but when she does, it's great. I advised that maybe she just needs a patient and understanding partner that's willing to work with her.
Haha. I was amused with how open and frank she was about her life. I hope she finds a lover, she seemed lonely. Then again, seems like everyone is.

X-amount of Words

2009-05-04T22:26:00.003-05:00

Now deleted and defeated
I will stand on my own
Yeah your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

Give me recipes for sorry
I'm admitting I'm wrong
Still your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

Dreaming of Yellow

2009-05-03T16:39:00.005-05:00

Currently listening to X-Amount of Words by Blue October on repeat and reading publications.

Last night I dreamt of yellow.
I also dreamt of cutting my hair and having discussions with unknown people about the condition and my attempt at giving myself an updated do'.
A boy I have yet to meet appeared in my dreams as well.
I was in a waiting room of some generic office. I was passing a coffee table piled with various magazines. As I was walking by, I recognized his face. There were several images of him on the covers of magazines, featuring him as an up and coming writer. Apparently he had reached semi-celebrity and was being raved about by various critics. I went to pick up the magazines to get a better look to make sure it was him. His image would elude me, and at times the photo would be segmented. I would only be able to grasp portions of his face or part of his torso (apparently he was modeling shirtless?). Couldn't see the whole when I tried. The secretary at the front desk made a comment about how he oozed sex appeal or something. I can't remember her words clearly. Anyhow, the secretary in my dreams thought he was a dignified sexy beast.

"The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand, if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents cowardice and sickness. You may have a fear or an inability to make a decision or take action. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks."

**Edit: I just remembered what the yellow was in reference to. I dreamt that I had yellow worm larvae things living within my belly button. Upon discovering them, I killed them. Afterwards I was paranoid that I hadn't gotten them all and there were still a few left. This I assume, would put the dream in a negative connotation. Which would make sense, since I've been fearing making certain choices in regards to school and my personal life. Hm. Interesting.

Human Interaction Stock Exchange

2009-04-26T15:36:00.002-05:00

'We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do.'

- Greg Behrendt

The Youth is Starting to Change Us

2009-04-05T23:27:00.003-05:00

Recently asked a friend what the purpose of halos on angels were. His suggestion was that they could be used as a bunsen burner to cook on. Now I have this image of an angel making breakfast and yelling, "Yo Fred! Your eggs are ready!"

Wake Up by Dr. Dog lyrics:

Oh, wake up
Wake up, wake uuuup
We are only part of a dream
All the things in your heart
Like the things in your head
Are only what they seem

Books:
Mortality by Nicholas Royle
Side Effects by Andrew Burroughs
Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
SEX SLEEP EAT DRINK DREAM: A Day in the Life of Your Body by Jennifer Ackerman
Handmaid's Tale by Margarett Atwood

Music:
Ra Ra Riot
Bat for Lashes
Bon Iver
Aberfeldy
Andrew Bird
Roisin Murphy

Short Story: Monopoly Date by Michael Hey

She reaches for her seatbelt, realizing then she’s already wearing one. He, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to need his. Doesn’t have that kind of patience – to sit still for any length of time.

Riding in his car, she understands for the first time in her life, the feeling of being a passenger. But the car is a Jaguar. Fear and excitement mingle in the pit of her stomach, storehouse of ambiguous feelings. He steps on the accelerator. She wonders bravely about what lies in store.

He had picked her up at seven.
“Where are you taking me?” she had asked, kicking off her uncomfortable shoes.
“My place,” he had said, with the air of someone used to taking shortcuts with impunity.
And now, much too soon, they are there. The drive has left her feeling empty, like an over-priced amusement that ended too abruptly and too soon.

“Would you like to come upstairs?” he asks, gallantly holding the door. She smiles feebly, as if she has just been given an option. He leads her to the elevator. Once inside, she watches him press “P” for “penthouse.”

The studio is spartan, in an expensive way. Twin towers of speakers stand guard on either side of the large bay window, yet there are no CDs to be seen or heard. The sparsely populated bookshelf contains classics such as Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and Development for Fun and Profit.
The wide open space is dominated by a futon and a low table, on which he has set up a board game. For refreshment, there are chips and coke.

“Let’s play monopoly,” he says, as if this just now occurred to him. He seems comfortable in this mode of mock spontaneity.

“OK,” she replies unenthusiastically, wondering if dating white boys is always this exciting. Soon the game is underway – he the sports car, and she in the role of an old shoe with a gaping hole, game pieces he has chosen and laid out beforehand.

After the opening round, he owns the utilities, and she has to pay up.

“What was that?” he asks, but she didn’t say anything. The potato chips are gone, and her stomach has begun to growl.

“Nothing,” she says, rolling two sixes for the third time in a row. How appropriate, she thinks, to be rotting in jail. (For the uninitiated: Though the rule is contentious, it is a criminal offence to roll doubles three times in a roll – punishable by incarceration!)

After that, neither says anything for a while, though her stomach continues to growl conspicuously. She thinks that maybe she could like him, if only he were different somehow, or, perhaps, a different
person altogether.

He buys and buys and buys. He acquires Pennsylvania Avenue, and Park Place, and also manages to purchase Reading Railroad. “I should marry this guy,” she muses bitterly from her jail cell.

He has always been under the mistaken impression that the reason he gets what he wants is that he’s a “risk taker.” Such is the arrogance of privilege. The real reason, of course, is that there is no reason; that it is an unreasonable expectation to have everything one wants.

The experience of this date is surreal enough, for her not to realize quite how miserable it is. For one thing, she knows that win or lose, all games must end – eventually. But more keenly, she is aware of the fact that things could always be worse, somehow.

It is this mixture of hope and dread that makes it possible for her to continue, one toss at a time. A mixture that is symbolized by a stack of pink cards in the middle of the board: the stack called “Chance.”

The board itself is best described as a square circle, or perhaps a circular square. The same misery resurfaces over and over. Somehow, she manages to stretch the $200 she earns to cover her utilities and railway fares, to live another day. And every time she has to pay, she glances briefly at the pink deck of cards, taunting her like a lottery stub hidden in one’s pocket.

For him too, these are busy times. He has started to develop his properties. It begins with a few houses here and there, but he is looking ahead. His ultimate dream is for two luxury hotels – one on Park Place, and the other – he salivates as he thinks of it – Boardwalk.

It would be wrong to suggest that she owned no property at all. She does aquire Baltic, and Vermont, and a few others as well. And at one point he even lands on Vermont, and is forced to pay her for a change. He pays his 12 dollars graciously, in cash, and seems to harbor no ill will towards her.

CHANCE
“Go on, pick it up,” he says, unsmiling. And yet his voice is not without warmth. She has landed on chance after all, and he is happy for her. And then he surprises her with something akin to kindness. “Don’t be afraid,” he says.

What he noticed was not her hesitation, but the slight trembling of her fingers in picking up the card, and of her lips in reading it, first to herself and then aloud. But these tender moments pass. In the end, the card, as most things in life, proves a bitter disappointment.

“Get him a beer,” she reads, unable to mask her incredulity. But any doubt as to the authenticity of the card is quickly dispelled by his humorless smile. And so she does as she must, lingering in the kitchen just long enough to steal a pickle from the pickle jar. Surely he won’t notice it missing, even if this happens to be the only food in the fridge. She does know, of course, that in life, as in Monopoly, stealing is against the rules.

He seems genuinely grateful for the beer, even confiding that he prefers a glass, and telling her, in a completely non-threatening way, where glasses are kept. At the same time she lands on Pennsylvania Avenue, with its three pretty green houses, and for the first time in the game she can’t pay.
“I can’t pay,” she says.

“You could mortgage Vermont,” he offers. She follows his financial advice.

COMMUNITY CHEST
Though he lifts the card with some trepidation, his fears are soon laid to rest.
“The city is having a celebration in your honor,” he reads. “Your opponent shall bring you a beer.” He passes her the card to prove that he isn’t making this up. (For the uninitiated: the Community Chest is yellow, not pink). And while she’s in the kitchen, getting his beer, he does something dreadfully unsavory; he helps himself to an extra $500 from the bank. He then uses the money to build another house on Pennsylvania.

When, a little later in the game, she visits Pennsylvania for the second time, there is nothing left for her to mortgage.

“I have nothing left to mortgage,” she says.

“I will let you borrow from the bank,” he offers graciously. This is a clever bending of the rules on his part. Allowing her to borrow from the bank, rather than lending her the money directly, frees up some extra cash for him to invest. In this way the game is prolonged past its natural end, something he sees as a win-win situation.

COMMUNITY CHEST (again)
Here she can be forgiven for hoping, absurdly, that maybe, finally, it will be his turn to get her a beer. She reads the card in utter disbelief.

“You have violated the public dress code. Remove your blouse.”
She looks at him helplessly. He has no comfort for her, his cold hard gaze already focused on the garment about to be removed.

The game continues for another half hour, during which time he allows her to borrow the entire bank, so that all cash in circulation is now in his possession. At the same time, she finds herself violating the dress code on two more occasions, forcing her to remove both her skirt, and her bra. And to top it all off, she is forced to clean his toilet, on her hands and knees, leaving her to conclude that this could be absolutely the worst date ever, in the entire history of dating.

BOARDWALK (with hotel)
Finally, his grand vision has been realized. And the only sad part of it is that even the bank has no money left to lend her.
“The game is over,” she sighs, shivering slightly in her socks and panties. “I guess I lost.”

“No,” he says quietly, without a trace of humor in his voice. “The game is not over, and will not be over, until you pay back what you owe.
“That’s ridiculous. We can start writing promissory notes if you want, but I will never ever climb out of this financial hole. I have no properties, and no income to speak of. My debt can only grow.
“That’s not true.”
“How can I possibly pay you back?”

“You can suck my cock,” he says evenly. And she finds herself wondering when this game became so serious, and what it would take for someone – anyone – to point out that the rules make no sense. She tries to formulate this new-found realization in her brain. Perhaps, she is even trying to give voice to her thought, but there is no point. It has become impossible to say anything with his cock already embedded in her throat

Lametown

2009-04-04T13:45:00.001-06:00

If I could only let things go and not be so consumed with this.
If I could only be fully content with myself.
Things would be much simpler in my life.
I would save myself so much wasted time and energy.

Sigh.

This isn't your soul

2009-03-24T23:04:00.001-06:00

Don’t hurt yourself
Like you’re known to do
Don’t look for what’s not there
You’ve been running around with those butterflies
Putting tulips in their hair
Well you should know by now
That you’ll only lose
There’s nothing you can say, nothing you can do
You got too many ideas building up inside of you
And they’re leaking out your shoes,
And there’s no one to show them to
No, there’s no one to show them to.

Well she wants to be, with every boy she finds obscene
Just to know, they want her
And she wants to show, how good she sings
Just to prove, she’s talented
Oh, Oh, Oh made it so,
She’s starving for attention Oh No Oh, Oh

But I guess you can’t see, with that glimmer in your eye
But that light always goes out in the middle of the night
When you wake up from dreams of big black spiders in the sink
Who is laying by your side?
And who makes you feel alive?
Who makes you feel alive?

And so there is no telling what you need through the sheets
Some darker place that you ignore until it violently repeats
And what is it the hand she brushed across your thigh
That made you realize you’ll be alone until the day you die

-That Light Always Goes Out by The Teeth

2009-03-09T19:44:00.002-06:00

If I know anything, it is that I don't know everything and neither does anyone else. There are some things we just won't ever know, and there are other things that we think we know but don't.

- True to Life, Why Truth Matters by Michael P. Lynch

be what you want to be

2009-03-01T19:21:00.002-06:00

walk on, walk on, walk on
cause you can't go back now

but in the end the only steps that
matter are the ones you take all
by yourself

- Can't Go Back Now by the Weepies

Sometimes I make mistakes, and then afterwards guilt trip myself about making a choice. What's done is done. Move forward. It isn't going to change what happened by continuously feeling bad about it, right? Yes, I was totally unclassy. It was an inappropriate expression of emotion, possibly repressed. But damn, it felt good to say it. Maybe that's what I needed. Even though I did it in a very unpolite and bi-polarish way.

Keep it together

2009-02-25T17:52:00.001-06:00

nataliedee.com

Update ya'll

2009-02-09T20:58:00.003-06:00

I am very overdue for a massive update.

Last Thursday I started my internship working with & caring for Karelian Bear Dogs!!!

I met all the dogs, and my internship coordinator lady gave me the run down on the history of the place/organization... all the stuff I was going to be doing, and just the overall expectations of regulations. There are 10 adult dogs that are used on a team to "shepard" bears, and then 5 remaining puppies that will be placed as either Conflict, Protection, or Companion dogs. You can read more about the dogs here, http://www.beardogs.org/index.html if you'd like. Afterwards I felt really happy, and just over joyed because I get to work with dogs and I love critters. We took four dogs for a walk, and I was shown the different commands that they know. They also sometimes use mushing commands: Gee! means Go right, Haw! means go left and On by! means straight ahead. I thought that was pretty neat. I will be doing my intership 6 hours a week every thursday, which is rad.

I also have a source of income now, I babysit two lovely little lumpkins... two year old Isabelle and 6 month old Isaac. They are swell kiddos. I have also been donating plasma as well, and that is a nice source of moolah. The needles don't really bother me, but I find that I tend to get little colds easier. Plasma holds your antibodies, so it would make sense that it would be easier to get sick.

New things:
Tried the grain Quinoa(Keen-Wah). It was originally grown and eaten by Incas! Tasty, and it's a complete protein too!
Made homemade pizza from scratch
Tasted Wasabi almonds today, pow pow baby!
Learned about the Waste Systems here. Was able to tour the city dump, water treatment facility and recycling center. We throw so much "stuff" away! Seeing all of that really put into perspective how much we waste!
Friday I flashed back to the 80's and Sat. night I dressed up as a gypsy and got my groove on with friends till 3am. Yeahhh, son.
Reading American Psycho and Sex Sleep Eat Drink Dream: A Day in the Life of Your Body by Jennifer Ackerman.
Going to Yellowstone this weekend and spending Valentines Day with nature...gonna be studying the Greater Yellowstone Ecosystem. Will be snow shoeing for the first time! Whoo whee!

Green or Red Zone?

2009-02-06T00:47:00.004-06:00

Radical Collaboration: Five Essential Skills to Overcome Defensiveness and Build Successful Relationships
by James W. Tamm, Ronald J. Luyet

Where do you spend most of your life, in the Red Zone or the Green Zone?

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

2009-01-31T17:47:00.002-06:00

Hanging up the phone now.

New:
Made pizza from scratch. Tasty.
Looked at Waste disposal, water treatment, & recycling opperations.
Overcame my fear of needles through donating plasma.
Discovered some abandoned art gems that students left behind. I have adopted 4 pieces which currently reside on the walls of my room.
Learning much about myself and relationships. Realizing what I am worth, and what I truly deserve. Challenging comfort zones. Needing to be patient. Forgiving myself. Doing what I can.
Start my bear-dog internship next week!
Feeling frantic about finances. Oh why can't I have a sponsor who will give me money for being a good college kid? Haha. Ah, snap if only it were that easy.

2009-01-27T23:31:00.002-06:00

The Four Agreements

2009-01-11T17:10:00.002-06:00

Be impeccable with your word.
Don't take anything personally.
Don't make assumptions.
Always do your best.

Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

- Don Miguel Ruiz

Nothing compares to you

2009-01-06T17:02:00.001-06:00

Convince yourself that everything is alright
'Cos it already is

- For Nancy by Pete Yorn

Love is Gone by David Guetta & Chris Willis

2008-12-25T02:17:00.001-06:00

What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone

There is nothing else to prove
Now you still deny the simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that love is gone
Love is gone...

Or is it?

I am conflicted.

potential of going somewhere

2008-12-22T01:24:00.004-06:00

I like how positive you are.
You have an almost child-like demeanor, which I enjoy as well.
I can relate to this, and it appears that it's hard to find nowadays.
I've only known you for a brief amount of time, but already you are challenging me.

Thank you.

I would like to spend more time with you and see what this develops into.

bound to linger on

2008-12-09T22:05:00.002-06:00

I'm stupid
I'm staying
You're my drug
We live it
I need you to need me

Then (I) fall apart in parts

- Until We Bleed - Kleerup ft. Lykke Li

Pumpkin Soup by Kate Nash

2008-12-06T19:37:00.000-06:00

I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss

I'm not in love
I just wanna be touched

I don't need to need you

2008-11-19T00:38:00.000-06:00

And it's the desperation to hold onto
Something that can't be held onto

2008-11-17T17:54:00.000-06:00

I've grown tired of your empty words.

Elaine Equi

2008-11-15T17:03:00.002-06:00

Brand X
I know you think
this is about sex
but that’s only because
it’s really about advertising.

Someone talking
in an office.
Someone comparing two things.

I make decisions
or my body
makes them for me
and certain nights
everything is perfect.

Wedges of light flap
slow as Indian summer.
A red receding.

There is real violence
but it’s an after-dinner violence
mellow in the air
as sex is a kind of violence.

like anything
that pulls us toward it
even though we’re unable
to ask for it by name.

Against Memorization
Memorizing a poem is a good way to destroy it.
You think it will bring you closer (like getting a
a tattoo) but the poem does not reside in its words
And that is all you’ll be left with.

Never again will you encounter it by chance
In the casual cruising-space that spells romance.
Rereading works better.

All Books Are Oracles
Formulate your question.
Use the standard open-at-random-
and-point method.
Live according to the words.

Lesbian Corn
In summer
I strip away
your pale kimono.
Your tousled hair too,
comes off in my hands
leaving you
completely naked.
All ears and
tiny yellow teeth.

Almonds

Almonds make me feel like autumn all year long. They’re like a carrying case for tears that have drive but are still salty. When I’m gone, shed no almonds for me. The coffin-maker’s daughter was an unusually happy child. She wanted only a pair of almond slippers to go clogging in – and a marzipan forest full of hand-painted leaves. Lorca was said to be able to play the almond and coax from it music to soothe melancholy moods. Instead of ice, Italians throw almonds at a bride and groom, perhaps because the think no pleasure complete without a bit of pain. In the palm of the hand, almonds nestle like pills said to transform phlegm, alleviate coughs, and soothe the intestines. Some worship the smooth lingam, but other secret societies extol the almond; pray daily to an edible rosary that they can crunch between their teeth.

The World Will Deem Us Dangerous

2008-11-01T14:12:00.002-06:00

Yes the world will be cold, yes, the world will be cruel

Sometimes the only thing that you or I could do is:
Laugh about it
Cry about it
Dance around it
Like another fool

Cause we're all fools

- Her Space Holiday

If life is one great big symphony, don't play your part too cautiously, let your fingers make mistakes, the crowd will love you for being brave, so ring out those notes and hold up and hold up your hope.

Magic - The Cars

2008-10-26T20:03:00.002-06:00

I am listening to People are People by Depeche Mode on Pandora, and just realized that A Perfect Circle did a remake of this song.
Also Tears for Fears originally sang Mad World, I think.
I have the lyrics of that song at the top of this page.

I am feeling like someone else.
I think it's partially due to the fact that I've experienced several "firsts" while living here. Growing, but at times it feels painful.
Then again, some of my choices haven't been the wisest.
Needing to figure out why I keep doing what I'm doing.

I think the whole world is just fucking lonely.

She Had Some Horses

2008-10-19T22:16:00.002-05:00

Remember

Remember the sky that you were born under,
know each of the star's stories.
Remember the moon, know who she is. I met her
in a bar once in Iowa City.
Remember the sun's birth at dawn, that is the
strongest point of time. Remember sundown
and the giving away to night.
Remember your birth, how your mother struggled
to give you form and breath. You are evidence of
her life, and her mother's, and hers.
Remember your father. He is your life, also.
Remember the earth whose skin you are:
red earth, black earth, yellow earth, white earth
brown earth, we are earth.
Remember the plants, trees, animal life who all have their
tribes, their families, their histories, too. Talk to them,
listen to them. They are alive poems.
Remember the wind. Remember her voice. She knows the
origin of this universe. I her singing Kiowa war
dance songs at the corner of Fourth and Central once.
Remember that you are all the people and that all people
are you.
Remember that you are this universe and that this universe is you.
Remember that all is in motion, growing, is you.
Remember that languague comes from this.
Remember the dance that language is, that life is.
Remember.

I Give You Back

I release you, my beautiful and terrible
fear. I release you. You were my beloved
and hated twin, but now, I don't know you
as myself.

...Oh you have choked me, but I give you the leash.
You have gutted me but I gave you the knife.
You have devoured me, but I laid myself across the fire.

...I take myself back, fear.
You are not my shadow any longer.
I won't hold you in my hands.
You can't live in my eyes, ears, my voice
my belly, or in my heart my heart
my heart my heart

But come here, fear
I am alive and you are so afraid
of dying.
-Joy Hargjo

Tori Amos - A sorta fairytale & strange

2008-10-15T23:52:00.002-05:00

and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you

after all what were you really looking for
and i wonder when will i learn
blue isn't red everybody knows this

and i wonder when will i learn
when will i learn
guess i was in
deeper than i thought i was

How We Became Human

2008-10-14T23:37:00.005-05:00

Fire

a woman can't survive
by her own breath
alone
she must know
the voices of mountains
she must recognize
the foreverness of blue sky
she must flow
with the elusive
bodies
of night winds
who will take her
into herself

look at me
i am not a seperate woman
i am the continuance
of blue sky
i am the throat
of the mountains
a night wind
who burns
with every breath
she takes

Eagle Poem

To pray you open your whole self
To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon
To one whole voice that is you.
And know there is more
That you can't see, can't hear
Can't know except in moments
Steadily growing, and in languages
That aren't always sound but other
Circles of motion.
Like eagle that Sunday morning
Over Salt River. Circled in blue sky
In wind, swept our hearts clean
With sacred wings.
We see you, see ourselves and know
That we must take the utmost care
And kindness in all things.
Breathe in, knowing we are made of
All this, and breathe, knowing
We are truly blessed because we
Were born, and die soon within a
True circle of motion,
Like eagle rounding out the morning
Inside us.
We pray that it will be done
In beauty.
In beauty.

- Joy Harjo

-E X C E R P T S-

Hold Up:
"Humans were created by mistake.
Someone laughed and we came crawling out.
That was the beginning of the drama,
we were hooked then.
What a wild dilemma, how to make it to the stars
on a highway slick with fear."

Perhaps the World Ends Here:
"The world begins at a kitchen table. No matter what, we must eat to live.
...Our dreams drink coffee with us as they put their arms around our children. They laugh with us at our poor falling-down selves and as we put ourselves back together once again at the table."

Reconciliation, A Prayer:
III
"All acts of kindness are lights in the war for justice."

Morning Prayers:
"This morning I look toward the east
and I am lonely for those mountains
though I've said good-bye to the girl
with her urgent prayers for redemption.

I used to believe in a vision
that would save the people
carry us all to the top of the mountain
during the flood
of human destruction."

project sam

2008-10-12T20:26:00.003-05:00

I need direction to perfection.
Wait.
Theres something highly unattractive about perfection.

Fuck, I hate waiting.
Seriously.
My whole intention was to have fun. Experience.
But I became emotionally involved.
Overly excited about possibilities.
High expectations. Dreaming up fake realities, scenarios.
Living in my head again. Illusioned.
Maybe I do it without fully realizing it.
Theres that Sam, going around, producing a false or misleading impression of reality again. Watch out.

I would like people to be more up front. Why is this so hard?
We're weighed down my wanting to be "nice."
Not interested? Fine. Lets move on.
Yes? Ok. Let's make it happen.

Walking the curb of a borderline ho.
I need to work on myself.

heres my dress to try on baby, let me be your man

2008-10-08T00:03:00.004-05:00

Currently listening to The Pierces on repeat, especially the song Lights on.

Walked to the grocery store today.
It was windy, and
The leaves sounded like footsteps behind me.

Working on a project for my Wilderness Ecology class, and I've nicknamed it Adopt-A-Plant HELL. We have to do this paper on a plant, describe all its characteristics and such. Taking ten years. Ugh.

I want this week to be over already. Thursday, what's taking you so long?

vague confessions of a still life

2008-10-07T13:52:00.003-05:00

Thank You Power - Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You is the title of the book belonging to the girl sitting next to me in the library.
Science of Gratitude?

Many things have happenened.

I feel as if I am going though a transitory period, or process. Watch out as I emerge from this chrysalis.

Time being a crucial anticipation builder, although I can be very impatient. Learning to wait, and accepting the lesson.

Still feeling as an observer in this life, and not a full-fledged active participant.

Dreaming constantly, vivid emotionally charged images, movie-like. What is the message?

These nightly visitors are mirrors to interior mind battles.

I can imagine they are a result of over-ruminating of daily events, past experiences. The constant picking apart of my life.

I am looking for something, anything, meaning? But what specifically I do not know.

Still making homemade hummus, but this last time I used the dehydrated kind as a base, and then added all the wet ingredients along with the garlic, jalepenos and red peppers.

Lurking in the library, I spend practically my entire life here due to the heavy avalanche of homework that I feel I am constantly shoveling away at, but not making any progress on.

Have yet to get on the bike building train. Reading reading reading. One night I shared my bed with two books of poetry by Joy Harjo and another book titled Ripple Effect of Elaine Equi. That one I enjoyed the most, especially this line about books being oracles, and asking them a question and then opening the book and pointing at random to the page to obtain your answer. I tried it, and found that it worked in a strange way.

Realizing I am a romantic in the sense that I have highly unrealistic expectations for outcomes. Establishing foggy goals, and yet not sifting through the mist to reach them. I am in love with Ideas. I want to wrap them around me and weave them into my being.

I think that I tend to be overally hard on myself because I lack the motivation, ambition to be an action taker. At times I do, but it's very infantile and gradual.

Maybe its because I secretly believe that the answer is not more action, but clearer reflection.

And I am not There yet.

Class calls.

I reccommend that you check out this rad lady. She is a master of the cattle marker art. Her pieces were hung up and captivated me.
Jennifer B

Poem

2008-10-02T22:17:00.002-05:00

Epistle to God, Founder of All Stories

I am lonely, God. I listen
to the songs on the radios
of cars stopped at the light
by the bus stop. I ride the bus
because I injured my knee
and my mother (two girls
laughing in a black Trans-Am)
told me to stay off of it.
Is there another category?
Mine doesn't fit. I'm somewhere
between the Berbers and Jack
(not the minister) Straw.
Could you not provide
if you must speckle the Earth
with shopping emporiums
an emporium for the other
things besides screws and elastic
socks, a place with whatever
light or air-conditioning you choose
where nobodies can go
walk the aisles of identities
when one tires of having
a self out of season.

- Andrew Haley

Like A Lady by The Sounds

2008-09-30T12:21:00.001-05:00

Talking smooth and play by the rules, like a lady.
Well hang on loose and always stay cool, like a lady
Listen to the songs and learn to sing along, on the radio, radio.
Got fire in my eyes and boys on my mind, they come and go, they come and go.

Kiss every man while you still can, like a lady.
And pull your self up and dance ´til you drop, I´m your baby, baby.
Listen to the songs and learn to sing along, on the radio, radio.
Got fire in my eyes and boys by my side, they´re mine you know.

Tonight! My baby, we got a love so strong, let the beat go on.
It´s alright! My baby, if it feels so good then it can´t be wrong.

feel'in swell folks, hope its the same for you

2008-09-15T17:18:00.002-05:00

I am overdue on an update.
So much has happened!!!
Holy jeeze.

I'll start with this weekend.
Friday was such a good day. We had a field trip and rode our bikes out to the location. I had to rent this crazy rad yellow bike from the University and it came with a handy basket and bell. The brakes were the old fashioned push backwards on the pedal to stop kind. No gears so I had to walk my bike up hills which was kinda cumbersome.

After getting back from our field trip two other girls and I got ice cream (I tried the white mint oreo flavor, super yummy!) and went and rode around town in Critical Mass, Get off your ass...which is an event that encourages people to be more active and utilize the biking system rather than driving a car. It was pretty cool, but some motorists were rude and shouted obscenities out their car windows, ultra lame. Granted, some of the bicyclists were hoot'in and holler'in, but it was all in the name of a good time and just trying to amp us all up.
So we biked around town for awhile and then took a break, dismounted, and some took advantage of a field full of sprinklers by running through them to cool off.

Eventually the town bike ride ended, and my friends I went back home. I made plans to meet up with folks later on that evening to watch one of our other friends play at a bar downtown. Had supper, and laid around playing snood. Left to go downtown at about 9:30. We rode our bikes, and I was internally laughing at myself because I was wearing my head lamp and I just imagined how alienish I looked, haha.
Arrived at the bar with M & K and discovered that it was a 21+ event. M was only 20, but we devised a plan to get her in. M and K talked to some dudes outside the bar and they offered to rub their stamp on her hand. Then K took her around the back to sneak her through a conncected bar. The bouncer there was new, and believed her fake stamp! Success! Once in we enjoyed some rad bands, the first one being Point Juncture, WA. Saw our friend play her violin in her band, she was a filler inbetween the main folks. Then later on we saw another rad band: The Wartime Blues. I had such a good time, dancing and hang'in. At one point we moved out to the sidewalk and our friend's band played outside the bar, and several people from the program were standing around enjoying the entire spectacle. Man, what a supreme night.

Other things currently new:
I made a batch of hummus from scratch!!! And it turned out allllriiiiggght
Attended Free Cycle's classes so I can start building my own bike, although I need to do one more hour of volunteering.
Joined a co-ed soccer team, we start playing this Wednesday
Went to a super sunday potluck gathering yesterday, and on my way there talked to two 50 something year old ladies, whom one tried to set me up with her son that lived on a passing street, pretty funny... how does one to respond to that? I just kinda chuckled.

I need to write about my Fall Trek into the Bob, but thats a whole 'nother story.
Maybe I'll tackle that one another time.

I just wanna say that I haven't been this happy in a long ass time.
I am enjoying the new people, experiences, excursions out and about...but the academic/school part isn't so great. I mean it's alright, I just feel drug down by all the reading we have to do. Currently we are reading Walking and Nature by Emerson and Thoreau, and its cool and all, but just dry. You have to spend adaquete amounts of time picking it apart and I apparently don't have the attention span or patience to do this, haha. No it's cool, I just need to get it done.

Damn, I am addicted to this song Harelip by The Wartime Blues. So good.
Alright, over and out. Until next time.

2008-08-24T17:12:00.002-05:00

Did my first camping/backpacking trip Thursday & Friday. Hiked a total of about 14 miles and didn't die. It rained the entire day Thursday, which was miserable. Went to bed wet and cold, awful awful. Hardly got any sleep. Friday was better, sunny, and the hike back much more pleasant. The 20-some other students that are in my program seem pretty rad, very smart, and all around cool. Many of them seem to have been abroad or super smart, or something else kinda intimidating, and I feel like a rondo normie.

Overall the trip was alright, the scenery very beautiful. I was proud of myself for hiking all that distance and not wimping out.

Classes start tommorow.

We leave for a much longer 10-day trip on Wednesday. Man, I am gonna miss showers and toliets. I have come to realize that I am afraid to pee in the woods. I think there's something to be said about squatting in some bushes with your bare butt hanging out for some predator to come along and take a chunk out of. On one pee excursion I was pretty convinced I heard a growl, followed by a branch snapping in the distance. For a few seconds I froze and silently willed whatever might be in the woods to not come and attack me. Eventually I convinced myself that the growl was really the rumbling of a plane passing overhead or something lame like that before heading back to camp.

I do enjoy being out doors, I've just come to depend on my little luxeries I guess. I was partly reading this book by Bill McKibben, called the Age of Missing Information and he wrote something about how we give all this lip-service to saving the wilderness, but in reality we don't want to give up our cozy little spots with running water, heat, electricity, etc. I have to agree with him.

Uhhh, went out last night. There was supposed to be a street dance in town, but the power was out so the band that was supposed to play didn't show up? I went with my roomate and her friend, and we ended up going to a bar or two to have a beer, which was a nice.

Planning on building my own bike! Theres a place in town that allows you to do so for free, all you need to do is volunteer for a bit and take a biking class. I am excited, whoo whee.

Also, saw something very disturbing last night when I was walking down town. There are a lot of homeless people here, and I have been asked several times for money. I am always baffled/sympathetic by these encounters. First off, seeing the people in the situation...why are you letting yourself stay in it? why aren't you doing something like looking for a job? etc. Ok, so the disturbing thing I saw, was one dude sitting on the sidewalk with a sign that read, "Kick a punk in the junk for $20." I had heard about it earlier from someone, but I didn't really believe that a person would be that desperate for money that they would subject themselves to violence.

I dunno.
Apparently it's a combination of people having a rough time and not being motivated to change anything.

I dunno.

Haven't been up to much. Reading, napping, and going for walks mostly.

Made it to the top!

2008-08-18T17:28:00.003-05:00

To see a World in a grain of sand,
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

- William Blake

[Found in the Mission of Art by Artist Alex Grey]

I am now officially residing in Montana.
This morning I got up at 6 am to say good-bye to Ty and his parents, and after they had left I decided I was going to climb to the "Big M". To get a better understanding of the Big M, its located on a giant hill called Mount Sentinel, which is right behind the University, and overlooks the city of Missoula. I tried to find out how long/tall the trail was, but all I discovered was that it was a 620 foot hike. [Take My Trip]
Oh heres a picture as well:

I started out a little after 7 am, after I had to stop a nice guy to show me how to get to the beginning of the trail. I made it to the top a little before 8 am and chatted up a rad lady named Arlene. She headed back down and I just sat awhile enjoying the view and reveling in the deep satisfaction that I had made it to the top. On my way up, I figured I'd make it half way tops, because I was just huff'in and puff'in the entire time. Before Arlene left, she made this comment about how she likes to do the climb, because if something in her day goes wrong, she feels she at least accomplished something. After a bit I started to head back down, and then I caught up to Arlene, and her two friends Marsha and Annie. She introduced me to Annie who apparently does the NPR radio show here at 4 in the afternoons. Very cool. And Marsha used to work at the U.S. Forest Service, which was also neato.

Overall, my attitude towards the entire experience was just, "Fuck Yeah!" because if I can climb up a giant mountain-hill and not die, I feel like I am gonna be ok on my backpacking trip through the backcountry in the Bob.

So officially I am pretty much settled into my place. This morning when everyone left, the loneliness really set in, and that was hard. As long as I make an effort to befriend people, and try to stay clear of slipping into hermitess mode, I think I'll be alright. It was just nice having Ty come down with me and stay a bit so I could get accquanted with the area and find my way around. His folks are pretty rad as well.

Things I've done this past week:
Took a long walk to down town on Higgins
Went to rad book stores
Ate lunch at a grandtacular 50's style restaurant
Dipped my feet and cooled off in the river
Bought more camping gear
Got tasty coffee drinks/milk shakes at little shops
etc.

Tommorow I have a all day orientation for my program, 9-4 and I am a bit nervous for that.

Weight - Margaret Atwood

2008-07-29T15:46:00.008-05:00

"I am gaining weight. I'm not getting bigger, only heavier. This doesn't show up on the scales: technically, I'm the same. My clothes still fit, so it isn't size, what they tell you about fat taking up more space than muscle. The heaviness I feel is in the energy I burn up getting myself around: along the sidewalk, up the stairs, through the day. It's the pressure on my feet. It's a density of the cells, as if I've been drinking heavy metals. Nothing you can measure, although there are the usual nubbins of flesh that must be firmed, roped in, worked off. Worked. It's all getting to be too much work.
Some days I think I'm not going to make it."

Don't make waves

2008-07-22T00:40:00.000-05:00

What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?

Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go

How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go?
-Tegan & Sara

If I cannot believe in me, then who will I be?

---

Went to Montana July 7-13.
Pretty rad.
The trip alleviated much anxiety/worry.
Found a place for $255/month. It's close to campus, cheap.
I'll be a basement dweller.
Bought some gear for my camping trips.
Realized I am map dumb. Awful.

Attended orientation, signed up for classes, set up a bank account, got my student ID.

I am very proud of myself. I think moving away for some would be an unthinkable.

All in all MT was a smashing success. The atmosphere was different there, thats for sure. More hippie? relaxed? I am not sure. The town layout appears to designed by people tripping on drugs, because I found it confusing to navigate/get around. Or may be thats the map dumb. Haha.

Gaaahhhh work stresses me to the max power.
I am ready to be done.

Finding myself endlessly irritated by people, and spending most of my time in Sam-hermit-mode. This is not good, I realize that. But I've just become apathetic. Shutting down on the effort making. Whatever. Oh well? I don't know. Blargh.

Kiss Kiss

2008-06-29T22:57:00.000-05:00

Another two weeks have passed.
One week blends into the next.
My days aren't very distinguishable.

Listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

July 7th I leave for MT and will be there for nearly a week.
It's only a week away!!!
Zomg.

Trying to rebuild by crumbling sanity.
"Am I insane? The insane don't question their sanity."
Still spending too much time in the head.
Feeling socially awkward.
Being far too hard on the self.
Accumulating large amounts of frustration and stress, triggered by work and my social life or lack thereof.
Waiting for a catastrophic snap to occur. Hopefully not.

Barely reaching small goals I set for myself.
Slowly slipping into mindless mundane motions.
Sad sad sad.

Would like to read Wilderness Tips by Margaret Atwood, and another one consisting of short stories... The Tent I believe is the title.

My birthday is at the end of July. I'll be 21. Too old.
Not sure what is going on that day.
Working on some brainstormage.
Maybe I'll call people and say Hi.
Or try something I've never done before.
Go dancing.
I dunno.
The whole getting smashed just seems a bit lamezorbs.
Mmk, that is all for now.

Movies, hummus & cheeze-it eating fruit bats

2008-06-16T23:07:00.003-05:00

New:

Watched Persepholis this weekend w/ english subtitles.
Tried hummus for the first time in my life on friday. Bought the spicy three pepper flavor today.

Currently reading Clan of the Cave Bears which is a story about Neandertals and Modern day humans. The sequel to this book, Valley of the Horses, is real smutty.

I found out today that I didn't get the scholarship I applied for. A parade of disappointment followed. I was extremely bummed out because I had my hopes pinned on getting it.
However, I realize that just because you really want something or put in a load of work, doesn't necessarily solidify that everything will work out.

Had some weird dreams this weekend.
One that stood out in particular was I had somehow obtained a fruit bat that loved cheeze-its.

Nothing else matters

2008-06-15T00:56:00.004-05:00

It's been like, what, two weeks since I last posted?
Yeah thats right.
I'm currently addicted to Robyn.
Listening to the song Bum Like You, which has a rad beat.

In Canadia at the moment getting my Canadian Bacon, lawlz.
I wouldn't normally admit this, but I am kinda drunk. It's funny how alcohol helps you let your guard down, you're more relaxed/carefree I guess. I get why it is nicknamed Liquid Courage.

I've decided something.
I'm gonna try to put on the mentality that I don't care. Just wear it like oh I dunno, like it's the raddest piece of fashion or something.
I'm not going to get all worried about stupid crap that in reality is trivial.
Damn, the stuff I worry about isn't even going to be relevant in 5 years. Damn.
I just need to let shit go.
Fuck it people.

Why get all concerned about lame stuff? I mean seriously, Sam.
A fresh start is fast approaching. No need to cling to the past.
Things just happen to fade out. Let it be, right?
Why try to make/change something that isn't going to be there?
Wasted effort.

This is me just rambling.
Man, it just really bums me out sometimes when I look back and realize all the people that used to be in my life and aren't anymore. Fuck.

I am gonna probably delete this within the next few days.

Nibbles the escape snake artist

2008-06-01T22:33:00.002-05:00

Updates updates updates!
Lets see...
I sent my scholarship off a bit delayed, but nonetheless it arrived just on time.
Whoo-whee what a stressful time that was.
I shall be hearing back about whether I was a finalist or not during the second week of June.
Work has been stressful as usual. I am so ready to throw in the towel with job #2.
Currently I am attempting to make progress on reading the book Age of Missing Information by Bill McKibben. But I haven't had much ambition in that area. I'd also like to read some Jack Kerouac books as well. He has one titled Dharma Bums that looks intesting. It focuses on the 70's time era and buddhism I believe. One of my friends suggested that I read On the Road first before attempting Dharma Bums, to get a better feel/understanding for the author's writing I guess.

Other changes include moving from my rad house-sitting situation to a small two bedroom apartment. Its been a bit of a down grade and I miss the house and pup-dogs I watched for the past 5 months. Especially my room in the basement. For the past week I've woken up around 6 am from the sun shining in through the blinds. The kinda rad cool thing about it though is now I am within walking distance of both of my jobs and I live right behind the movie theater.

Today I walked over for a matinee and saw The Strangers. I thought it pretty pow-pow aka intense. (I am not good at handling scary movies.) Overall, the movie was a suspenseful thriller, but I was a bit dissapointed with the ending. I also saw a trailer for a new movie coming out, The Happening. I wouldn't mind seeing that later.

My current concern is finding a place of residence in MT. The on-campus studio aparts. I was looking at most likely won't be available. I have to call several rental listings I found in the classifieds and get more info/find rates. Poohtown. I also have to coordinate a trip to MT for orientation and/or checking the area out etc. Snap-dawg, why haven't transportators been invented yet?

Speaking of snap, while I was at the movie today, I snapped my fingers at what I percieved to be a scary part. (Side note: I also clap my hands and talk/yell at characters during pow-pow moments. Earlier this year some friends and I would have big Angel marathons and my one friend would get mad at me for doing my finger snaps/clapping during fight scenes and resorted to punching me in the arm.) Luckily there weren't too many people in the theater with me. I also resumed my usual scary-movie sitting position: losing half my height by scrunching way down in the seat as humanly possible. I am so lame, haha.

Oh oh, I've gone frolfing twice in the past week or so. I am a terrible thrower, but its nice to walk around the park.

Dr. Seuss' ABC's

2008-04-29T00:21:00.003-05:00

Daangtown. I am overdo on a post.

Big S, little s. What begins with S?
Sammy's sipping soda pop.
S, s, s.

I found the poem I referrenced to in a previous post!

My Who in me
I cannot see;
Who is not who
I seem to be.

I am not now
Who I once was;
Who seems the same,
But is not because...

Unconcisously,
Wherever I go,
My Who is altered
By what I know.

My Who in me
Seems slippery:
Who changes
With my memory.

My Who is flux
A chemical dynamic;
Whoever Who is
Who is not static.

My Who in me
Eludes perception:
I cannot unknot
My Who's deception.

- C. D. Barrentine (May 1994)

Awhile ago I could not sleep. I got up and wrote this on a post-it note:

"Everything will work out.
It'll be fine.
Just take that leap.
The only thing to fear is fear itself.

It'll prevent you from seizing opportunities, from experiencing new people/things, and growing."

It was like my own self created mantra to reassure myself about Montana.
Oh yes, I am going.
Currently I am working on a scholarship, which is proving to be quite the challenge. Hopefully all will turn out well though.
I was successfully accepted a second time by the University and the actual program I applied to last year. Why didn't I just go last fall? I should have. I could have avoided all this present unhappiness junk. Laaame, Sammy. In the future do not just settle. Take the leap!

Is it over?

2008-04-08T21:46:00.002-05:00

I am currently listening to Is it Over by Lovers Electric? What a rad band.

Can I just be honest here?
Theres this moment I dread. I mean, really dread, because it's almost once you realize this one moment, it turns everything to reality. Everything that once was, will no longer be. The past won't come into the present. It's so final, it's like a death.

The moment I speak of is when one realizes that you and another person have grown so far apart, and haven't talked in so long that there is really nothing to say. It's just that awkwardness that permeates a once really awesome friendship that I dislike so much. Oh, do I dislike it.

We used to be such good friends! Remember those good times we had? The jokes we laughed at? The great, meaningful conversations we shared? I miss that. Why can't we do that again?

...What happened?
And what do we do now?

It's just the finality of knowing that a person is gone, it really saddens me.
I know we change.
I know as we change, and go through different stages of our lives, so do our friend bases change.
But it doesn't make it any easier, letting go.

Mississippi Queen

2008-04-04T10:25:00.002-06:00

My car is back.
I received it on Sunday night.
I must say, all things considered, I was impressed.
It is by far from perfect, but a definite improvement compared to what it formerly looked like.
Yesterday was a good day.
I worked from 7:30-3:30.
Went to the Coffee Company with some friends.
Saw a speaker by the name of Bill Ayers on campus.
Visited with a former professor afterwards!
AND listened to musicians perform catchy jazz in a downtown coffee shop.
Also, I made a new friend.
I'm trying not to get too excited about it, just because my friendships tend to be concentrated, and then fade away. I dunno, maybe that's just how it is. You're thrilled that you meet this other person who you share some common interests with, but then things just eventually plateau or end all together.
I dunno.
I find myself saying I dunno to a lot of things.

There's a poem by a professor that talks about self that I've been wanting to put on here. I just have to find it.

I've been dreaming a lot lately. Either morbid violent things, or just echo's of my real life happenings.

I was reading somewhere that depressed people tend to dream more, because they are ruminating on what's going on in their lives. And then recently in a forward I read that the more you dream, the higher your IQ. Who knows if any of those things mean anything.

It's been three weeks

2008-03-27T15:38:00.004-06:00

I am getting my car back soon.
It will be less dented, and passable for transportation, hopefully.

Movies I've watched:
Fight Club
"Yeah, you're sorry, I'm sorry, everybody's sorry, but... I can't do this anymore. I can't. And I won't. I'm gone."
- Marla Singer

Also:
American Psycho
Penelope

All had good messages.

Concerns on the Agenda:
Attending or not Attending MT
Summer residency/occupation
Fall Finances

Zaphrod Breeblbrox

2008-03-04T20:46:00.001-06:00

[20:46] Samantha: Dude, I wish I could stop focusing on all the people that I have "lost" and just be happy with the few people I do have in my life.
[20:48] Ty: Dude, yeah man just gotta chillax a little, ride the smooth train to happy town and take a chill pill in the stellar intergalactic space of flying tongues

Epiphany

2008-03-03T22:20:00.001-06:00

"What if there isn't any bigger meaning? If theres no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters... Then all that matters is what we do. The smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world."

- Angel, from the episode Epiphany.

Gold Lion and Maps

2008-02-27T10:51:00.003-06:00

I'm becoming more and more convinced that I need to be living in the Now, because really, that's all I have. (Waking Life.)

I've been re-reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl and he tells of his experiences in the Nazi labor camps during the Holocaust. And just the fact that what helped him survived were the memories he made with his wife before he was in the camp. During the harsh experiences he would mentally commune with his wife, and that gave him hope. But if he had been busy "reliving his past" or "worrying about the future" instead of actually enjoying being with his wife when he was in her presence... He probably wouldn't have been able to make those memories that ended up saving his life.

Viktor connects the fact that when one loses hope, they lose the will to live.
There's many other good tidbits as well. Thats the jist of it.

I've been listening to Gold Lion and Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs on repeat.
I played Maps on Rock Band and it was grand.

Happenings: A couple of weeks ago I had a mini-DeGrassi marathon with a friend, and we made tomato soup and grilled cheese. I also went to a Bill Murray Marathon, which was pretty enjoyable. I re-saw Lost in Translation, and viewed Rushmore for the first time. The sound track was catchy, and the movie was overall amusing. The kid was just clueless, but funny haha. Way too serious.

On 2/17 I was in a car accident. I rolled my car. It was basically a result of being at the wrong place/wrong time. My roof was caved in, and my poor car suffered other maladies such as huge mammoth dents and the side mirrors being torn off. My friend Josh was with me as well. Both of us were unharmed, probably thanks to all the snow in the ditch. I am still in disbelief that we weren't hurt worse. It was just a weird occurrence. I can't believe it happened. For one, the timing is messed up because my step sister died at the age of 18 on Feb. 29th 2004. This coming Friday will be four years. What's the odds of me getting in a car accident in the same month and almost a week before her death?

While I was rolling, I braced my hands up against the roof and I just remember thinking, "I wonder what's going to happen to me?" It took me a minute or two to realize what was actually going on. It was after the car righted itself that the shock set in. I must've said, Oh My God as least ten times. It felt like being in a cross between a really bad Vally Fair Ride and a giant Laundry Dryer. I am very thankful that I was wearing my seatbelt. The seat belts in my car are motorized, so the chest portion goes right over you when you close the door. But the lap belt you have to put on manually. Sometimes I wouldn't clip it in. I'm glad I did both that day.

The whole situation got me thinking though. I had a few people that I haven't talked to in awhile contact me to see if I was ok. This is normal I know. But in a way I was angry that bad things have to happen for people to care. Shouldn't we show people we care all the time? Check in just because? Not, "You almost died so I better see how you're do'in." I'm over exaggerating, I know. But my point is... Are we so wrapped up in the every day routine of our own lives that we just assume that everything else is ok with the people we love... and that it takes a potential tragic moment to jar us?
That's the thing that bothered me the most.
Maybe we're just too overly desensitized as a society.
The envelope has to keep being pushed to trigger our empathy.
Or maybe things are so blown out of proportion that are empathy is all tapped out, so we shut ourselves off. I don't know. I'm not sure what my point is here, haha.

Anyway, I'm alive, I'm well, my friend wasn't hurt. I am very fortunate.
The only downside is it's just inconvenient not having a car. I feel bad for having to be chauffeured around. And my car was on liability, so I the insurance company won't help with any repairs. I have to find a different car, or repair my current one out of my own pocket. Finding a different car might take awhile, especially a cheap one.

Also, I just remembered something. This has no flow really. Well except I'm connecting it. I asked earlier, "I wonder what will happen to me?" I think we often ask that. Why did this happen to me? But rather, do WE happen to things? Or is it both?

Ok, I'm hungry. I am going to end this now and eat.

You left your horse in my stable

2008-02-23T14:04:00.003-06:00

Evidently I am not exactly a priority. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have to send you a memo or a reminder to be a friend. If that's the case, then I don't want to try anymore.

"Walking away is easy, its staying thats so hard."
- Song: Singing Arc by Seabear

"I don't know what I'm supposed to be."
- Movie: Lost in Translation

My life is feeling purposeless.

Bear couple

2008-01-31T23:43:00.000-06:00

I went to this weird carnival type place, and one ride had a bunch of metal chains hanging down, like the kind rappers wear, except these were for giants. They were connected to this play ground type thing with slides. In my head I knew you had to roll a ball down the slides to play the game, but instead I thought I had to climb it. Also, in the middle there was this tall tree winding through the entire structure. I'm not sure why but I climbed it, then had to climb down and the entire time I was nervous and sweaty. When I got down I was all proud of myself and thought I was going to be some pro rock climber chick. A photographer man came along and asked if he could take some pictures. Then we started walking around and came to this place with a table and two flattened chairs. The chairs started to shake and and vibrate, then eventually unfolded and sat themselves upright, up to the table. I could also smell food baking and went to look into the stove and could see a full course meal jammed in there. A middle aged/ older couple appeared. They had jaggedy teeth.

Some type of urban legend/ story popped into my head about a couple who pose as nice people, but turn into bears and eat their guests. Supposedly a girl told me this story, and had experienced it herself, only to escape by scratching their eyes out with a nail file.

During the entire meal I kept scootching away from the man. I didn't want to be close to him at all if he decided to morph into man eating bear mode. I figured they would want us for desert, the photographer man and I. Eventually the meal was almost finished, except for desert and I tried hinting to photo dude that we should really get going, we have other things to do. As I turn back to look at him, he has beady little stuffed bear eyes punched into his real eyes, with blood dripping down his cheeks. Too late for him. Meanwhile the couple is looking at me with hungry eyes. I than remember being in a house, and hiding in a bathroom with the lights off while blindly trying to find a sharp object in the sink drawers. I hear a girl's voice calling me grandma and demanding to use the bathroom. Than a bottle of some sort is slid under the door. The girl keeps trying to get in, but I hold the door shut with my foot, while I line up two nail files and a pair of scissors for any eye scratchin.

Then I woke up.

Ploopity ploopity ploo

2008-01-28T11:48:00.000-06:00

Movies I've recently watched:
First half of Sweeney Todd, the second half wouldn't load. Pootown.
Cloverfield, which was intense. I lost half my height just by scrunching all the way down in my seat due to the intenseness.

I think Persepolis would look neato, except its in French and I wouldn't be able to understand it, maybe I'll give it a shot anyhow.

I would like my own personal cheerleader.
"Sam, you need to get this done. Get on it, now."
"You can do it Sam!"
"It'll be ok."

Thats what I need, really. My own self-imposed cheerleader-voice is lacking. I need one outside myself, or to send mine out to get fixed.

Books I've read:
The Time Quartet by Madeline L'Engle which are companions to A Wrinkle in Time and include:
A Wind in the Door
A Swiftly Tilting Planet
Many Waters
And now I am on An Acceptable Time.

I just wish I could get a preventive notice letting me know that a friendship is sliding/drifting into the friendship waterfalls and is about to smash into the rocks so that I can get in there and paddle us out.

But I wouldn't want to be the rescuer all the time either. I guess it comes down to the fact that both of us are in the canoe, and we both have to paddle to make it work, or if the person is unwilling to cooperate or paddle so to speak, that I give them the option of either helping me or getting out. And then we both swim to shore? And abandon the "friendship canoe"? Haha.

This friendship business-topic is something I just keep visiting, isn't it?

pork swords

2008-01-13T17:38:00.000-06:00

Just recently watching Juno and listening to Beirut has me in an awesome good mood.
God, I fell in love with her Hamburger phone.
It totally rivals my Nascar racing car one.

I am reading again, and writing. I just sat down the other day and free wrote about whatever, maybe I'll post that later sometime, maybe maybe.
I reflected on friendships, and how I wish, like in Sims, you could get a phone call to notify you that the friendship meter was becoming low, so you could jump in there and rescue it.

I wish that could happen. Phone, please ring when a friendship is sliding into failure canyon. Yes, yes.

Books:
Lamb by Christopher Moore - This author is boss. I have enjoyed reading this book, and his other one titled, Vampire Fiends. His characters are imaginative, creative, and witty. Plus he brings a nice helping of comic relief to his books.

Currently I am reading Sex on the Brain by Deb Blum.
It was on the bookshelf in the room I am staying in, and so far its been pretty interesting.

Y'know of individuals that appear female and then suddenly their penis and scrotum drop down at puberty? Apparently the term for that is something like androgen hyper testosterone deficiency. I could be wrong on the spelling. But yea, very interesting.

Alright, this concludes thoughts on the brain. I just figured I'd update since its been a few years. Jk, jk.

2007-12-26T01:03:00.000-06:00

Movies I've watched:

The Fountain
Thirteen
I am Legend
Elizabeth
Shrek 3

And tommorow night I am going to Waterhorse.

Why should you be studying for something you learned to be already stressful?

2007-12-21T03:32:00.000-06:00

I'm more of a thinker, not so much a doer. I have become discouraged and seemed to have lost that belief in myself - that I am fully capable of achieving what I need to do. I think this is mostly due to fear. I lack self-encouragement and motivation. At times it'll comes back, but it seems only in temporary spurts - it's short lived.

I don't know how to alleviate this.

2007-12-15T22:38:00.000-06:00

Do you remember
What things looked like when you were young
The voice of an old friend
Or the notes to your first song

It's been a while now
Since you asked me to be
Your cat, your dog, your owl, or bumblebee

Lately I've been feeling like the day has come
You'll walk up to me and erase my memory
Can't wait to feel brand new
I cant wait to meet you again,
friend

I think I must have known you
in another life
I think our rocking chairs used to rock together
All night

With pictures of owls, all over the walls
Tiny ships in bottles, they won't sail too far

- Hands Remember by Seabear (A new fave band.)

Ramble shamble mamble

2007-12-03T14:59:00.000-06:00

I finally just got rid of the comment business because they were showing up all weird-city and I didn't have the patience to try and figure out the messed up html. Besides, nobody really leaves comments anyhow.

So my plan this afternoon was to work on this Ecology lab presentation, but that has been a failing success. I have to make this whole slide show dealio about a previous lab that we did, except with my own twist on it. I am just lazy. And it's due tommorow. I will just have to crank it out eventually, when it gets down to the wire.

Today at lunch Josh and I were talking about me possibly taking a break next semester, and that I'll just hafta live in a cardboard box and panhandle (beg for money, set out a hat or something and hope people drop it in). But then he was trying to tell me that panhandling isn't a word or I wasn't using it correctly or something. Whenever I say a word wrong, he's all over it like a pack of wolves on a deer, and corrects me. It's usually fine, because half the time my pronounciations are risiculous anyway. So, to prove him wrong, I looked up panhandling on Wikipedia and I was right! Yo diggity. In your face.

I want to build a well insulated and heated hamster ball that I can navigate campus with.

So back to the break thing. Next semester Josh, Kt, and I are house-sitting. I won't have to worry about room and board fees, other than the $85 "rent", utilities, gas, food, etc. I've been considering a break because this semester has not gone super. I was doing really bad in Genetics and Chemistry... I just found them boring and lifeless, and when I have a crappy attitude about something, I don't put forth much effort, like a drop of visene's worth. I just kept doing terrible on the tests, and felt like I was doomed for failure, which resulted in me dropping those uglies. What I ended up being left with was College Algebra, General Ecology, and the lab, and I also kept the Chem. lab because I was doing good in that too. I'm doing alright with what I have. I could deffinately improve in Ecology. Hopefully with the finals I should be alright. Yeah, so my poor attitude and working 3 days a week wasn't helpful to those stressful classes. And I was just becoming an icky-sam.

Before all this happened, I had a plan, but now that plan went out the window. I was going to work towards a Biology degree, go to MT to get the Wilderness and Civilization minor, and then finish up the Biology somewhere. But with this whole almost failing Chem. and Gen. wrench in the mix... I feel lost. I mean, my next fews years of school would have just been Math, Physics, and Chem, with a few Bio classes. And if I get stressed out by these little intro classes, how am I going to handle the hugenormous papa-pimp daddy ones? :S I was only working on the Bio degree b/c I wanted to rescue critters.

I thought taking the break would help to me figure out stuff more, maybe. But the downside is I have to start repaying my loans in about 6 months. And if I go back to school and have to take out more loans, I won't have that grace period to pay 'em back. And sure, I've given thought to other options other then just quitting school. But either they would make me unhappy, or just be busy work, or something to do just so I could finish a degree.

I'm not good at making decisions either. I tend to look at how everyone else feels about the decision, and then what usually happens is there is this mental tug o' war going on between what I want to do, and what I feel others want me to do.

I'm not sure what the answer is. I have to get on calling around about some questions I have, as far as financial aid goes and talking to my boss and seeing what is available for hours after Christmas break. The only exciting thing lately is that I contacted a lady about Wildlife Rehabilitation (rescusing injured critters, healing them up, and then releasing them in the wild again) and asked her if she could give me some info about volunteer opportunities or something. I was reading somewhere that you just have to take a test, become certified, and then you can start working with wildlife. I don't want to get too overly excited about this, but I hope that some kind of results come out of it.

Well this post is freak'in long now. So I think I am going to end this ramble-shamble.

Completely rondo

2007-11-30T22:07:00.000-06:00

I was recently just watching a special about beauty pageants on A & E. I found it to be messed up. The mothers appear to be overly aggressive in driving their young impressionable daughters to win, and the whole superficial atmosphere is deeply disturbing. The little girls are seriously creepy looking.

She looks like a doll, not a person.

This is an excerpt from: Children and Beauty Pageants

"William Pinsof, a clinical psychologist and president of the Family Institute at Northwestern University said, " Being a little Barbie doll says your body has to be a certain way and your hair has to be a certain way. In girls particularly, this can unleash a whole complex of destructive self-experiences that can lead to eating disorders and all kinds of body distortions in terms of body image." Traveling, stress and competition are everyday aspects of an adult's life, an average day of an adult requires at least these three aspects to make it to lunch hour, but at the age of eight, stress about body ideals, modeling, and trophies should not come into existence. Since there are no set rules concerning promoters, organizers and participants, pageants are neglected by laws governing them. Organizers want to earn money and are not concerned with the need to protect their participants, and they don't. According to Phyllis Coleman, a professor of law at Nova Southeastern University, 3,000 pageants attract 250,000 children per year. According to the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment and Adoption Reform Act, child abuse is defined as, "the physical or mental injury, sexual abuse or exploitation of a child under circumstances which indicate the child's health or welfare is harmed or threatened." Most stage mothers claim that their child wanted to enter the pageant on her own. Does an eight-year-old girl know what is best for her? In 1996 seven-year-old Jessica Duboff died when her parents allowed her to fly a plane across the country because she liked it. Should parents rely on their children to know what is best for them?"

Also this link: Are Beauty Pageants Bad for Children?

Photography

2007-11-26T17:11:00.000-06:00

Dreams of Flying

Click on Work -> Dreams of Flying

Be sure to check out other sections of photography.

Some good well-natured pictures taken, which will make you feel like a little kid again.

This picture, which I'll call Butt Light, is probably my favorite:

Lovely, eh?
If you refresh the main page, the picture changes. Some of them arn't included in the Work section, so its a nice little extra something.

Ferocious bunny

2007-11-23T11:31:00.000-06:00

The expression on this rabbit's face is grandtacular. Here's a laugh for the day:

I hope your Thanksgiving went swell.

My past weekend went better than I thought it would.
I was so relieved that I was able to say what I did.

Spit it out

2007-11-15T23:45:00.000-06:00

I worry, worry a lot. It's much too much and I'm mad it happens. I do care. I really do.

Lately I've been living in the folds of my mind. Lost in my thoughts. Occasionally I engage in some good one on one conversation with friends. Usually when I'm doing something that I want to remember later, I tell myself, "Remember this moment... right now."

Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can't tell you why
We make it harder than it has to be

- The Eagles

I hope this weekend goes well.

Ketchup

2007-11-14T10:16:00.000-06:00

Here are some Rocky Horror Pictures:

It was not that bad of a time. I think I enjoyed dressing up the most, I am wearing the bright yellow suit. During the show I started to get antsy, and restless. It was good seeing all the different costumes that everyone else was sporting though. Oh, and my mustache... I hand made that bad-boy all by myself. I was very proud.

So, I was in Walmart yesterday and they are already playing Christmas music. Lame-o!

My expertise has largely become procrastination and being unmotivated in regards to school. Oh, don't forget a side of apathy. I still have not figured out what I am going to do about this whole situation. I was kinda hop'in it would all come to me magically in my dreams... haha. No, I know that is unrealistic.

I'm making more of an effort to hang out with people. Or trying to.

Y'know play-doh? That stuff is great. No, no, it's better than great... it's wonderful.

Jokes:
How do you make an orange laugh? Tickle it's navel!
Where did the dentist go on his vacation? The mouth of the mississippi!

New Layout

2007-11-10T20:47:00.000-06:00

I put in a new layout, but I can't seem to get rid of the comments that are left over from the post at the very bottom.

Gah.

Other than that, everything is alright. My life is still riding that horse.

Today I went in for a volunteer orientation at the Humane Society in town. The lady showed us around and explained all the ground rules. After the orientation was done, I went and held some kitties, and walked three dogs. First Marmalade, a boxer cross, then Phoebe who was black and white, and then Joe who was also black and white...maybe a collie cross? He was crazy. He jumped all over me, kept gnawing on my hands and chewed on his leash and engaged in an all out game of tug 'o war.

Heres a picture of Marms, I kinda fell in love with this dog. Apparently she isn't good with little kids though. Oh well. She was a bit hyper at first, and then once I ran around with her, she calmed down and was very sweet.

Tonight I went to the 3-D version of The Nightmare Before Christmas. It was neato. Last weekend I also watched the Science of Sleep. I liked it, it was kinda slow, not much happening. I think what I liked most about it was all the little details. Like the electric shavor turning into a spider crawly critter, and the forest in the boat.

In the library looking up books, avoiding the crooks

2007-10-30T16:13:00.000-06:00

I need a different layout on here, I think.
Tommorow night is Rocky Horror! Whoo! Exciting!
I haven't posted for 3 weeks, my bad.

School is getting an apatheic attitude from me.

Last weekend I went to the Mall of America and saw Nicklecreek in concert.
Checked out a Swedish food store, that was neato.
Saw a disorientated lady dressed up in a sweaty mouse suit. Bizzar-o!

Currently I am trying to figure out my life, because it kinda just jumped on a horse and rode out of town.

It's not been found, its not around.

2007-10-09T15:00:00.000-05:00

Ah, time for another post.
Just rambling. Here we go.
I've been listening to, I became a volunteer by Hot Chip on repeat for the past hour.
And reading blogs on Myspace.

The person's blog I was reading was making this point of how we tend to hold onto things, its hard for us to let go, its like we have to OWN it (the moment, the art we created, ect).

And then, a funny thing happened. I was going through my hotmail inbox trying to clean up junk and unneeded messages and I was reading an e-mail exchange between my friend AZ Mols and I. I was talking about owning animals in regards to people making the attempt to keep wild animals as pets, ie: red pandas, and large cats.

"I wish we could just leave animals in their wild habitats. I mean, I know
people want to experience wildlife and get up real and personal and all that
jazz... but you can feed the birds in your city. But I guess these other
animals are more exciting, and having them as a pet is ownership. I
wonder if we have this desire to OWN everything, or else if it doesn't serve
us or belong to us, than it has no value."

I came across some wikipedia pages via the blog I mentioned previously.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Life
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snow_Crash
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme

My gray matter made some connections to Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake, and the movie Zelig which references memes as well. Oryx and Crake is kinda futuristic and deals with ideas around humanity's fascination with genetic engineering and then the eventual collapse of civilization. I heard about Zelig from a professor and then watched it this summer... Zelig is a character that basically wants to be liked by everyone so he becomes them. It was fake documentary about his ability to be a human chameleon. The movie was alright, it had some cute parts.
Another amusing movie I saw this summer was: The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao. Its pretty old-school, it came out in 1964, and is based loosely on a 1935 book...but it's filled with funny little bits. I found the Dr. Lao character very entertaining.

Listening to Elephant Gun by Beirut now.
Just watched this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygJYxMP_ICY&mode=related&search=

By a guy named Vitas, I like weirdness of this video.

People as places as people

2007-09-18T23:50:00.000-05:00

It was not the intention
But we let it all go
Well it messed up the function
And sure fucked up the flow

- Humble Hamsters [aka Modest Mouse]

Maybe I should call you.
Maybe I should myspace/facebook you.
Maybe I should send you an email.
Maybe I should show up unexpectedly to say hi.

But I don't.
Because... maybe it would just be pointless. Or maybe it could turn out to be wondeful.

Perhaps I am walking on the misery side of the road, instead of living my own life.
Not making sense, reader? (Whoever you are...) That's ok. Perfectly dandy.

Nothing new to really report in the life of Sam. Nopers.

I think this weekend I am going to let loose and purge the stress. School is making me crabby. I am ready to file for divorce. Be expecting the paper work soon, school.

I've been brainstorming costume ideas for the Rocky Horror Picture show. Every year in town, a dressed up cast puts on a live performance as the movie plays on a big screen. It beams rays of radness, very entertaining. I am looking forward to it! A friend and I might go in drag. He as a lady, and me as his dude. But... who knows it could change between now and then.

Post #202

2007-09-07T13:33:00.000-05:00

Yesterday at work, what appeared to be a gay couple came in with their two beagles to have them washed.

Both of the guys were wearing glasses and plaid button up shirts with the sleeves rolled up. One was wearing green and the other red. They looked like Christmas. They were very cute. It made my day.

I zinged my friend Josh really good today too. We were eating, and someone's phone was beeping. He asked what the beeping was to which I replied, "Its your face! The ugly alarm is going off!"

Oh yeah. It burned. Haha.

Go listen to Beirut, now. He is cool.

Stripping Baked Potato

2007-08-29T12:43:00.000-05:00

Strippin Baked Potato

This made me laugh good.

School has started.
I am taking Ecology, Genetics, Chemistry and Algebra.
It doesn't get much better than that, I mean... its just enthralling to be enrolled and taking these classes. I can feel the core of my being changing as I think about it.

Kidding.

That previous statement is pretty much drenched in sarcasm.

I wish I could upgrade a butt-load of auto-information so I could be super car-savy. And not have to rely on trusting mechanics to be honest and give me a fair deal when it comes to replacing a fan belt on my car.

I went to Midas and they gave me an estimate of $100. Roughly $50 for parts, and the other half for labor. What?!?!
I then went to Rydell and their estimate was $30 cheaper.
Lame.

I can't believe it costs that much to get a fan belt replaced.
Maybe I'll call around and see if I can find out how much the part costs, and have someone put it on for me and save some money.

Alrighty. School is going alright for the most part. I had an Ecology lab yesterday and my lab partner, a dude, had his fly down. But I didn't even notice it until the instructor said, "Zip your fly up man, its down." It was really tough controlling my giggles.

Going on a mind walk while listening to Neutral Milk Hotel

2007-08-07T16:12:00.000-05:00

I'm an avid user of Myspace and Facebook, well...checking it anyways haha, and I've noticed that it seems that it has become a subsitute for maintaining friendships.

But can occassionally exchanging a few messagers via Myspace/Facebook really constitute as a real friendship?

I'm not sure.
I understand that with everyone being dispersed, moving around, having busy scehdules...etc. It may be hard to keep in touch. But I sometimes wonder if we're just settling for doing the minimum to keep our relationships semi-intact.

I'd rather take an actual face-to-face conversation any day. Or a phone call is good too.

I've also realized that I tend to define myself in my relationships with other people... and if I feel a certain friendship is going down the drain I start to blame myself. "What could I have done to prevent this?" Etc. But then I go into mind-struggle war zone and realize that people go through different periods in their life, have a change of interests, or enviroment... etc... as do I. Mainly just choices that we all make. And that can account for the friendship blowing right out the window too. Sometimes I think I shouldn't define myself as whether I am "successful" or a "failure" depending on how my friendships/relationships are doing, just because that ultimately seems very unstable and I'm putting myself up for emotional roller coaster ride business. Blech, no thanks.

Sooo... its just another thing to work on I guess. There are also times where I feel like a crack is growing between me and other person, and I began to make minimum effort in the friendship just because I interpret as them not investing a whole lot, so why should I? (Maybe not the best approach, I'm afraid.) And then as time goes on, the crack pretty much becomes a giant canyon... and we're looking at each other from across this big chasm between us. Things would be a lot easier if we could all just be upfront and tell each other how it is, right? Without worrying/over analyzing how the person react, how the situation will go... etc.

"I feel confused when its suggested we should hang out and then you "jokingly" say it probably won't happen. Do you want to hang out or not?"
"I am bothered by the fact that all the people in your life are treated as instantaneous best friends, yet there is a great turnover in these 'great friends'. If they are true friends, wouldn't they be in your life longer?"

Communication is tough, man.
"Be assertive, be be assertive!"

I was thinking about forgiveness the other day. And that phrase, "Forgive and Forget."

Can you still forgive if you don't forget? Or is forgetting a crucial part to the forgiving process? Could it be beneficial to not forget... in order to be cautious of future happenings?
I am not sure on this one.

Monday & No and the Maybes

2007-08-01T23:52:00.000-05:00

I find myself doing this little dance of hand gestures and head nods... where I'm playing out a conversation in my head and I happen to make the motions to go along with it. For some reason I think I need to "practice" my interaction with others... when in reality rarely does it happen like it does in my head. Its a waste of time.

I have been listening to Monday by No and the Maybes. Very good song. I was looking at various bands under the record label, Happy Happy Birthday To Me, and so far I have liked The Lolligags and the previously mentioned band. Of Montreal is also signed under them.

Don't you want to keep me company?
We can watch TV.
I don't want to go to sleep tonight.
What's it gonna be, you'll see.

Monday keeps calling me.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Monday keeps falling in love with me.
Monday keeps killing me
Wonderful, wonderful.
Monday is willing to die for me.

I'm jumping on the trampoline,
With your tambourine.
We're playing with hand grenades.
With the hand grenades, too late.

Well, the lyrics don't really make any sense, but its a good tune.
Also My Mascara by Lolligags talks about red eyes haha. And Creepy Things focuses on stalkers!

My music choices are weird. Ah, oh well.

So, The Birthday was a good day afterall. I usually don't bank on birthdays being anything funtastic, it seems the fun-factor on them diminishes with age. It was nice though, I recieved a free meal, a book, anklet/bracelet, flowers & balloons, and good company. Whoo!

P.s. I've got my eyes on you. I can see all the creepy things you do. Clever me, I am spying. At the play ground swings at noon, I can see all the creepy things you can do. Clever me, I'm spying on you and all the creepy things you do. Telephoning everyday, I can hear all the creepy things you say, to all the girls you are stalking. I am intercepting mail at night so I can read what you write. To all the girls you are stalking. Stalking is such a creepy thing to do. Yeah. A creepy thing to do.

Muscle dust = Romance novel beefiness

2007-07-26T22:52:00.000-05:00

Samantha says:
hows it goin?
Ty says:
Good was playing lots of guitar hero worked up a sweat so sitting in my comp chair with my shirt unbuttoned with the fan flowing on me and my shirt and hair are all flowing through the air all romance novel style its sexy
Samantha says:
that made me laugh so good, I started choking on my spit

Ty all beefed out:

I guess that muscle dust can really work miracles. MAGIC!

Getting older, lost kitteh's, and homeless ladies

2007-07-26T20:00:00.000-05:00

My birthday is in 4 days.
July 30th, Monday.
I will be 20 years old.
I can hear the bones creak'in already. :P

Last night I went to open the balcony screen door to let some fresh air into the apartment. It was thundering/lightening and I figured some zesty rain smell would be nice.

Shortly after, I heard meowing outside. Typically, cats or pets of any kind arn't allowed in the apartment buildings that I live in and are surrounded by. After ignoring it for a bit, I decided to go outside and "investigate." Eventually I found a kitten under someone's car, and after much coaxing and a slice of oven roasted deli turkey, I managed to snatch it up. I almost gave up though, it was taking 10 years just to convince the cat to come out. While I was lying on the ground practically under the car, a couple parked their car next to me thinking I had passed out and were checking to see if I was ok, haha.

So I ended up taking the kitten back to my apartment and keeping it in my bath tub wrapped in a towel. Then this morning I took it work with me, (I work @ a pet supplies store and we occassionally do adoptions as well) and one of the managers ended up taking the cat home with her. Very relieving... humane societies are the not always the best place. Especially now. Its summer, people are traveling, adoption rates are low, and a lot of animals are being dumped off.

Picture of kitteh:

Second story.
This past Sunday I was driving to work, and to my right, on the side walk was a very angry animated black woman carrying two bags. She was yelling, but nobody was there. Out of curiosity I rolled down my window at a stop light and listened, but I couldn't understand what she was going on about. I then went on to pull in to work, and waited at the door to be let in. (At the time I was un-aware of a buzzer that notifies someone to come and open the door.) So as I waited, I noticed the same lady walking down the sidewalk towards me. She ended up approaching me, saying, "Excuse me, do you happen to have anything for a poor stranded homeless woman, I'm kinda hungry." Although I was holding my lunch and had $8 on me, I said I didn't. I felt bad. I've heard of the stereotypical response that money should never be give to the homeless incase they end up buying booze/drugs. After my reply she said thank you and quickly walked away. Later I peeked around the building and she was sitting on the curb about 2 blocks down.

Later I relayed the story to one of my co-workers, and apparently the same woman had been going in and out of a restaurant buying alcohol. Also, she had been approaching cars in the parking lot at my work-place and asking people for food/money. When a person would decline, she would start yelling at them...

Sadness. I hope she finds some help. But maybe the likely case is that she at one time did receive help and was possibly taking medication...but just happened to go off of it, and is now in not such a good situation. Hmm, I dunno.

Today at work, this lady just adopted a dog from the humane society, had not even had it for 3 hours and brought it in for a grooming.
It had fleas. :S
I guess people can't get fleas, but the more I think about it, the more itchy I feel.
Isho. Creepy-crawlie. Blechness.

The birthday should be fun, Totkins, her sister, and her lover are coming down to visit. We might go out to eat. I want to invite other people, but I'm being a hen and over-analyzing and its just silly.
Stop Sam, stop.

This weekend will be full of pup-dog grooming and pup-dog sitting.
Martha the weinter dog, and Bessie the shih tzu gremlin-look-alike are cool.
My new homies, yo.

Fry me up some vittles

2007-07-18T18:45:00.001-05:00

Myspace has it.
Facebook has it.

Rate your friends.

Laaame-o-extreme.

Should we really being doing that?
I mean, it excludes others.
Not cool.

I wish I could see my crispy hot tator tot [Katie].
I miss that kid.
So far it hasn't worked out for us to hang. She might be coming tonight or Thursday. Maybe. Who knows. I have Thursday and Friday off but nothing is go'in on, seriously.

My birthday is coming up, July 30th. I'll be turning 20. Ollllld-city. Thinking about not being a teenager anymore is slighty strange. I often wonder if it's going to be like I'll just wake one morning and realize that I'm 40.

Nah, it must kinda sneak up on ya.

Lately I've been wanting to adopt a guinea pig. Perhaps it's only because everyone else around me has pup-dogs or some other critter.

Coconut Flakes

2007-07-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

I came across the song Existentialism on Prom Night by Straylight Run.
I had forgotten about that song.
It's nice.
[YOU'RE NICE!]

Now my ears are tuning in to Coconut Flakes by Love as Laughter. I think they are touring with Modest Mouse or something. All Parts of Me is a good song too.

Today is haircut day, and solution searching day.
How exciting.

This summer has been very un-eventful. Homies to hang out with are scarce.
Man, I miss South Dakota.
That was way more action-packed.
None of this buffet of boredom with a side of snore.
Zzzzt.

Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

2007-07-05T00:31:00.000-05:00

Time for a new post?

My new favorite song is Holland 1945 by Neutral Milk Hotel. I listen to that song pretty much everyday, and on repeat.

Happy 4th of July.

As I get older, everything seems to be loosing its excitement.
I miss being a kid.
Am I becoming too deeply snuggled in the rabbits fur? (Sophie's World)

Things can change, you can change them around if you really want to. (Making different choices, a different attitude/approach)
Turning on my axil.
Rotation.

I'm on my way to finding a solution to this situation.
Ring ring, your potential answer is on the other line. Grab it and use it to the best of your ability. Don't waste it. It just might be your salvation solution.

The pup-dog grooming salon was super slow today, and so it was turned into an unofficial animal day! I held a ferret for the first time. They are strange. They jump and try to grab your arm as an escape route. They bite like little kittens, and are sniffers. A bit rowdy or sleeping all the time. I also overcame my fear that hamsters are mean biters. Not all, just some. I met some nice ones today, and picked up a few squealing guinea pigs that turned out to be carrot lovers.

What is it to be actually living, or merely existing?
I think these are very close neighbors.
I often wonder if I'm just sucking up air, sitting in life's waiting room, and not actually being productive/progressive.
How do you define either?
Hmm.

...But now we must pack up every piece
Of the life we used to love
Just to keep ourselves
At least enough to carry on

Nelson Dooder's had his crib pimped

2007-06-24T20:50:00.000-05:00

How fast does a zebra have to run before it turns gray?

I like to Stumble around:

Share the pain.

Worst Album Covers

A Simple Apology

Today Ty and I did some interior decorating changes for Nelson Dooder, the beta fish we adopted. We bought some new rocks for the bottom of his bowl, and I cut out a lovely picture from an Outdoors/Hunting magazine and taped it on the back for some much needed scenery. Whoo!

If fish could smile, I bet he'd be grinning gill to gill.
Oh, and I also bought some Clodhoppers. That candy is sooo good. They sell it in the States now, but I can get it cheaper in Canadia.

Lucky me.

Wolf Parade

2007-06-15T19:02:00.000-05:00

Modern world I'm not pleased to meet you
You just bring me down

I'll believe in anything

I'm glad we stay mildly interested in each other's lives.
Let's pretend to get together soon.
someecards.com

Boy Least Likely To & Fishboy

2007-06-14T23:09:00.000-05:00

Fur soft as fur.
Fresh strawberries and cream.
Sometimes at work
I feel like a machine.

Dreams don't always come true
The way you want them to.
I suppose this'll have to do
For the time being.

I'm afraid of growing old
And being on my own,
So I'm putting my country shoulder
To the wheel.

I'm afraid of letting go
Of everything I know.
So I just sadly float
Away down stream,
Smiling at the leaves,
Chewing butter beans,
And wondering what dreams
Are made of fur.

I've been on a lyrics reading kick as of late. Fishboy and Neutral Milk Hotel have funny little stories for their songs. Very amusing for me, anyway.

One day, I was sailing on my boat
And no one really knows I caught a jellyfish
When I stared into his eyes
It almost made me cry, stupid jellyfish

And now I'm thinking of him
Made of substances unknown
The jellyfish was lonely
But he was not alone

One day I was driving in my car
Staring at the stars, not the road
When I smashed into a tree
I smashed my knee real hard

And then I got to thinking
I really really wish
I had a friend right now
Or a jellyfish

My life is very un-event-ful. Hyphens are cool. I just had me some hot chocolate, and will eventually return to finishing, "World's Most Dangerous Gang" which talks about MS 13 and its violence, and another vid titled, "War on Science." Sorta downers, I guess.

Today was spent watching season 6 of DeGrassi: Next Generation. Its a canadian soap opera. Very addicting. This past weekend I watched a ton of Penn & Teller's Bullshit.

I need to get outside more, I know.

Fathers day is soon. I need to make my dad a card. He has a myspace. This is my dad:

I told him he should come out with a calendar.

Self Titled

2007-06-05T20:09:00.000-05:00

Crunch crunch crunch.
Honey Bunches of Oats in my mouth!
Nummerlicious.

Jump on the mumble jumble train? Ready? GO!

I'm almost twenty, and already, I feel this... despair? loss of hope? in regards to humanity's direction.

I don't mean to sound depressing, and maybe its just what I as a filter pick out. I'm sure if were wearing different "lenses', I would see different things. Perhaps its also what one is surrounded by, the environment, and experiences happening.

Can we be clouded by ideas that tell us everything will be ok? Part of me has this thought that eventually everything will work out fine, but at the same time I think, "We're not doing enough. What we're doing is not enough. We have to care more. We have to make more changes. Doing things just because it provides that good feeling, doesn't necessarily mean it has an effect in the grand scheme of things."

I'll admit, I may not be making sense here. I am, afterall, being pretty vague.

I talked with a cool gal a couple of weekends ago, and our conversation was themed with people's beliefs, religion, relationships, nature/wildlife conservation, living healthy...etc.

And a couple things she said keep replaying in my head. In regards to beliefs she said, "I think everyone should be allowed to be who they are."
Why be constrained/limited by what someone else thinks is "right"? Why not find your own way, create your own path?

Granted, hopefully your way won't find itself leading to being a serial killer. Haha.

Then with relationships, she mentioned how with some, there just happened to be this mutual fascination with each other, and they dated because they thought they had to teach each other something, and could have fun along the way. Comma overload.

I've always had a "play it safe" type of approach in this area, so I always find it interesting when people tend to just jump into it, and take risks. I suppose it all depends on what you're comfortable with.

This lady is looking forward to watching The Creature from the Black Lagoon tonight! Whoo, amphibious missing link, here I come!

New Layout

2007-05-31T17:01:00.000-05:00

Hello hello.
New layout.
Still a few html glitches to fix, gah, frustrating. Is the font too small? It might be.

Man, I can't believe I've been posting on this blog for 2+ years.
Cuhhhhrazy!

News: Interview went swell, I now work as a part-time assistant pup-dog groomer.
This past weekend I went up to Canadia to see my lova, Tysquad. Played some Wii, which was highly entertaining. Watched Pan's Labryinth, parts of Cars and Epic Movie. I didn't really care for the last two, but Pan's was neato. I think the movie was good because you can either choose to believe that the fantasty portion was true, or something made up as a coping mechanism. I seriously did not care for the General dude. When Mercedes had that knife, I got really worked up, and wanted her to slice and dice him up.

The movie deffinately provided to be an emotional trigger. Whenever I watch similar movies, I can never understand why people are like that. Just the ruthlessness, brutality, coldness to it all baffles me. How can people be capable of such horrible things?

I don't understand. I mean, its probably psychological... and maybe the greed for power is just so overwhelming, it just overtakes and blinds people to how they are affecting others. They just don't care.

Sadness.

Onto more happy things.
Also this past weekend, I went fishing and helped Ty's mom Connie get ready for a gararge sale and in the process scored a free nightstand! Whoo! Free stuff rocks. The weekend before that I went to the sanctuary.
But I already wrote about that.

Another thought:
I'm not a fan of watching deeply emotional movies, but I wonder if there is a functional reason to. Y'know... like Omelas. We can't know what we have/be grateful unless we see the big bad uglies that exist.

Space bar. Space bar. Space bar. Spacebar? One word or two?
I rented Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Plan 9 from Outer Space (Directed by Ed Wood!) from the public library, and I'm exxxciiiited! about watching those. Although I've seen Eternal Sonshine before, I've been wanting to see it again.

Last summer Eternal Sunshine, Lost in Translation, and Six Degrees of Seperation were my favorite movies.

Stationary mind walk

2007-05-21T20:56:00.000-05:00

South Dakota was superadterful.
My weekend went by fast though, I wasn't there long enough.
Poohnanner.
The neat thing is, the past 3 days were filled with good people, good food, and good conversation.
As corny as that sounds. :)

I have an interview tommorow at 2 pm. Oohh, how exciting.
I hope I get the pup-dog grooming position. And not the cash register persuading/interacting-with-customers-to-buy-a-lame-product position. Isho, man, isho.

"I just love to dance, everytime the beat drops."
I could go dancing right now.

Awhile ago I dreamt this weird dream and in it a woman said some 2 deep things to me, and all I remember is, "You create your reality through your thoughts and experiences."
It reminded me of a seminar with Carl and how he was asking what is real? What is reality? And then proceeded to knock on a nearby table to demonstrate what we do to determine what is real or not... such as through touch.

With the sanctuary, I wish I could just soak that place up and wring it out all over my room. Can't forget the addition of my genetically altered money tree and my "explosive" closet featuring the rasterbated pictures of a firework, old-school bomb, and grenade.

That would be an awesome room, indeed.

Wouldn't be neato if your eyeballs could record moments of your life to be replayed later, like those virtual reality goggle thingers?

2007-05-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

Going to sanctuary soon.
Junk is all hauled to apartment.
Yet unpacked.
Last night I thought of something, and thought to write it down, and told myself I can when I wake up.
In the whirl of everything, I forgot.
Now I don't remember.
So much for having an elephant memory.

I need a note pad next to my bed, along with glow-in-the-dark pen filled with glow-in-the-dark ink. Whoo.

Greenhouse job went right out the window.
Replacements soon? [Hopefully..?] Unless someone tells me about the DNA splicing sequence for that money growing tree, then yes.

Humperdink, Snort, and Crash are in the top 12 Pup-dog Idol contest! Exciting, exciting.

A new layout is in need, yes yes.

Jumble, mumble.
Times up!

Wheelchair ramping grannies & people gardening

2007-05-01T12:54:00.000-05:00

"Hey there little man
Get out of my fryin' pan
I got bigger fish to fry than you

You been messin' with my mind
To waste my time is most unkind
I got better things to do
Than to play these pointless games with you
Get down off that horse
Before I knock you off

Out of here son, let me show you the door"
-Fry'in Pan by The Ditty Bops [I love these ladies]

Stop playing in my head.
I want your movie reel to stop. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind stop.
This theatre is officially closed.
I'm Done. I'm saying, "No thanks."

I'm convinced that some miscommunication went down, but regardless, you've been a bad friend. And I'm choosing to step away.

...

In other news, I started my job this past weekend at the Greenhouse. Its pretty labor intensive. Both Saturday and Sunday I was just plumb tired out, and I'm not so sure I like the job. The people are nice, but the place is pretty fast paced and I get annoyed with starting one job, and then being assigned another one before I'm done. When I start something, I really like to finish it. And it seems like one co-worker is a favorite, and I strongly frown upon favoritism. I mean, I don't even do the stupid top 8 on myspace. I just fill the slots with bands, not friends.

I also asked for this weekend off because its reading & review for finals, and Tysquad is coming up for an overdue visit. Luckily I got that off, but I also wanted the weekend of May 18th off so I can carpool down to South Dakota and visit the Sanctuary, which I miss so much. I was told that it wasn't a good idea. As far as I know May requires a lot of planting, and they need all the help they can get. But I'm just bummed. I seriously wish I could invent a spliced hybrid tree that grew money [if you know the DNA sequence for this, let me know :P] so I can pay for college AND go to the Sanctuary this summer. I would like to get away from here, even if its for the summer.

I'm starting to feel as if this college thing is pointless. Its just a big money eating monster. It has this insatiable hunger for Benjamin Franklins. Gah.

Then there's MT. I have to save up a buttload of money for that, and looking into scholarships. I really don't want to have to spend my entire lifetime paying off loans. [Exaggeration here.] I'm almost second guessing myself for not going this coming fall, but luckily I was able to defer my acceptance for the following year of 2008-2009.

Other than that, I'm working on weeding out people in my life. I feel terrible for having to re-evaluate people, but if I don't, I just end up worrying/repeating happenings in my head, and that causes me to spend too much energy on that versus something else that would probably be more worth while. I can't feel bad. I mean, I can make attempts to be a friend, but when it gets right down to it... Realizing that the other person isn't willing/as interested in giving back... well then I just think its time to take a break from the whole ordeal.
Granted, I totally understand that people get busy, and things change, as do priorities... and as a result they lose touch.
But I just get highly annoyed when apologies are repeatedly dished out, but their actions arn't following up, the behavior still continues. If you were genuinely sorry, wouldn't you change your actions?

Generally I can be fairly forgiving, and tolerate a lot. But after awhile, that just gets old, man. Not cool.

Alright, well that pretty much sums it up. Not exactly uplifting, I know. Haha.

Also, this gave me a laugh: Wheelchair ramping

The whole idea of old people acting bad-ass is funny to me. I guess its because you'd normally expect a grandma to be all sweet, and not tear'in it up on a ramp in her wheelchair.

Is it too late?

2007-04-27T16:04:00.000-05:00

Whenever I recognize someone on campus, my instant reaction/thoughts seem to be, "I used to be friends with that person."

Oy vey. I am in a mess.

Bad business, bad business.

What happened? I don't know.

"Tell me how you've been,
Tell what you've seen,
Tell me that you'd like to see me too.

My lungs are out of air,
Yours are holding smoke,
And it's been like that for so long."

- Not too late by Norah Jones

Leavers, Takers, and Gilgamesh

2007-04-18T00:42:00.000-05:00

Thinking about changing my layout to something like this. I was looking at templates on Blogskins and found that layout by the user LonelyMe.

Anywhoo.

Maybe I mentioned this in a previous post, but I remember asking either on here or elsewhere about the whole idea of Salvation. Why do we feel that we need to be saved?

Last week I was paging through the lecture portion of the book, The Story of B. And in it, it mentiones the idea of how tribes had certain regulations because they were vital and when the taker culture spread... the degradation of those laws did too, and as a result division of class came about. As a result, some people were better off, wealthier, etc. And those who were treated badly and oppressed because of their less fortunate status began to wonder if something was wrong with humanity, that everyone was flawed somehow.

To get back to what a taker is, or even what a leaver is... Takers are similar to hunter-gathers, those that abided with the laws of nature, meaning take only what is needed, not eliminating competitors that compete with you for a food source, etc. Leavers are something like the people that came about during/after the agricultural revolution and were able to "break" the laws of nature by producing their own food, and controlling how much and who ate it. Not only that, but eliminating other competitors so that even more food would be available. Granted, I know I may be doing a diservice by generalinzing, and I apologize if I've butchered the definition/idea. Maybe read the books Ishmael and A Story of B to better grasp what I'm trying to explain? ;)

My point is, I was just really intrigued by this whole idea that the concept of salvation resulted from the division of class, from inequality.

"The tribal life is precious because it tested out. For three million years it worked for people . It worked for people the way nests work for birds, the way webs work for spiders, and the way burrows work for moles, the way hibernation works for bears. That doesn't make it lovable, that makes it viable.

People will say to me, 'Well, if it was so wonderful, why didn't it last?' The answer is that it did last - it has lasted right up to the present moment. It continues to work, but the fact that something works doesn't make it invunerable. Burrows and nests and webs can all be destroyed, but that doesn't change the fact that they work. Tribalism can be destroyed and indeed has been largely destroyed, but that doesn't change the fact that it worked for three million years and still works today as well as it ever did.

...Its not hard to figure out what made people cling to the tribal life - and makes them cling to it wherever its still found today. Tribal peoples have their full suffering to do, but in the tribal life, no one suffers unless everyone suffers. Theres no class or group of people who are expected to do the suffering. If you think this sounds entirely too good to be true, check it out. In the tribal life there are no rulers to speak of; elders or chiefs - almost always part-time - exert influence rather than power. There's nothing equivalent to a ruling class - or to a rich or privileged class. There's nothing equivalent to a working class - or to a poor or underprivileged class. If this sounds ideal, well, shouldn't it be, after three million years of evolutionary shaping? You're not suprised that natural selection has organized geese in a way that works well for geese. [Along with elephants and dolphins.] Why should you be surprised that natural selection organized people in a way that worked well for people?

And conversely, why should you be suprised that the founders of our culture [Takers], have obliterated a lifestyle tested over a period of three million years, were unable to instantly slap together a replacement that was just as good? Really, the task was a formidable one. We've been working at it for ten thousand years, and where are we?

The very first thing to go was the very thing that made tribal life a success: its social, economic, and political egalitarianism. As soon as our revolution began, the process of division began, between rulers and ruled, rich and poor, powerful and powerless, masters and slaves. the suffering class had arrived, and that class (as it would always be) was the masses...

...Everyone thought it had been this way from the beginning. Everyone thought this was the nature of the world [to suffer] - and the nature of Man. They began to think that the world was an evil place. They began to think that existence itself is evil. They began to think (and who can blame them!) that there was something fundamentally wrong with humans. They began to think that humankind was doomed. They began to think that humankind was damned.

They began to think that someone needs to save us.

...The nest three millennia would see the development of all those religions that were destined to become the major religions of our culture - Hiduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam - and each had its own theory about the origin and cause of human suffering and its own approach to ending it, transcending it, or putting up with it. [p. 319-323]

Ok, long exerpt there.

I've also recently read the story of Gilgamesh [A children's version by Bernarda Bryson], believed to be the first story written by man. Supposedly the story was written down by the Sumerians [first inventors of writing] roughly 3,000 years before the birth of Christ. Since then, it continued on in almost unrecognizable versions, where the original names of the characters change to fit the people telling the story. After reading the story, I recognized similaries in Greek Myth, and bibical scripture.

Alright, I'm ending this post. I suppose this long output of information makes up for the big slot of time since my previous post. If you got to this point, I am quite impressed. :)

Dissolving man parts

2007-04-11T18:44:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile, I know.

I had this crazy-mad dream the other night. There was this mysterious lady going around and killing people. I remember being in the room watching her approach someone, and the curtains billowing from the wind coming in through an open window. Then she threw this person through window, the glass broke into a million pieces and the person fell and then went on this diving board type thing, and fell into the pool. I guess the pool was chemically altered or something because when the guy got out, his hands were melted down to little nubs. It was like his fingers had fused together in a little ball. The details are fuzzy. But it almost seemed like the affect of the water was temporary because where his skin had eroded on his stomach, it had returned to normal, although a bit red. I remember him in the pool again, and there was some whirl pool action going on, and then he just dissolved into a million man pieces and went down the drain.
During the dream I just remember thinking that this scenario would be good to use in Saw 4. Even though, when some friends rented Saw III, I spent most of my time cringing at the sound effects and looking away because I couldn't handle it.
My dreams are messed up.

You're old enough to forage on your own now.

2007-03-29T00:38:00.000-06:00

Today I recieved some mail from Montana, I was accepted.
Although I procrastinated many weeks, and stressed over the application before finally sending it in... I probably won't be attending the Univ. of MT.

One of my proffessors proposed an offer, that I could stay in her house while her and her family go to Norway for next Spring Semester. Its a pretty neato frito deal. All I have to pay for is utilities, watch the house, and pets. With two other friends in on it as well, the bill per month is roughly $85. Plus whatever we decide to buy for groceries. The only downside is that the house is a bit of a commute, about 10 minutes from the main campus. Ah, oh well.
The next plan of tackleage would include figuring what dorm to stay in for Fall semester.

This year has seemed to go by so fast. Summer is near! And I'll mostly likely be staying here. (Oh my, that rhymes.)

My previous post was quite a chunk of wording, hah.

I've realized that maybe I just might care much more about people than I should.
Also, posting really personal things on Facebook or Myspace probably isn't the best idea. I mean, it may be empowering to let the world know how you are dealing with a rough moment in your life... but wouldn't it be more genuine to simply discuss it with close friends? I mean, c'mon.

Tommorow is Thursday, and the next day is Friday. Yusss.

I had a dream that someone called me and set it up so I could meet Jane Goodall and she would hook me up and put me in the know about animal business.

The Writer's Conference is going on, and a movie is playing on Friday called Little Ortik. It looks pretty cool, its about a lady whose husband gives her a root-baby because they can't have children of their own. It sounds bizzare-o, but I think I just may like it...

Musty cheese

2007-03-13T12:55:00.000-06:00

"Society is commonly too cheap. We meet at very short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value for each other. We meet at meals three times a day, an give each other a new taste of that musty old cheese that we are. We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war... We live thick in each other's way, and stumble over one another, and I think that we thus lose some respect for one another. Certainly less frequency would suffice for all important and hearty communications... It would be better if there were but one inhabitant to a square mile, as where I live. The value in man is not in his skin, that we should touch him."

-Walden, "Solitude" - Taken from the book, The Natural Man, A Thoreau
Anthology

I keep thinking about this story, Those Who Walk Away from Omelas which was written as a short fiction by Ursula Le Guin. I found a paraphrased version online:

"Omelas was the perfect city, a kind of Utopia, if you will. No sickness, no poverty, no violence. A city of true Joy. In exchange for the happiness and well being of the many, one individual, a child, must live in the most abject neglect and poverty, kept locked in a basement, ill-treated and alone. Because one kind word, one gesture of kindness, one act of compassion to the child, and the city would crumble and fall. Every citizen, when they reached an age of understanding, was told about the child. Some even went to see it. And for the most part, they accepted the conditions of the bargain, understanding that for the majority to achieve happiness, it was necessary to sacrifice the happiness of one child."

This all came about when I read my friend Kit Lim's poem he wrote, inspired from the Ant quote from Waking Life:

I am Not an Ant

I don't want to be an ant
We go through life
With our antennas
Bouncing off one another
Continuously on autopilot
With nothing really human required of us
Stop
Go
Walk here
Drive there
Read this
Write that
Buy this
Get that
I don’t want to be an ant

I don’t want to be an ant
All communication simply to keep the colony
Droning along in an efficient, polite manner
You look ravishing today
Your hair looks cute
Are those Versaces?
Here’s your change
Find anything you like today?
Paper or plastic?
Credit or debit?
Would you like to supersize that?
I don’t want to be an ant

I should know
I was once an ant
I lived on autopilot
I care only about one thing
And one thing only
Go to school
Get married
Get a job
Retire and die
There’s nothing to it
I should know
I was once an ant
And I don’t want to be an ant

I don’t want to be an ant
Well, I am not an ant!
I am God’s beloved
I have worth
I am unique
I am not isolated
I am in community
I don’t operate on autopilot mode
I have feelings
I have human contacts
I have real human moments
I want to see them
And I want them to see me

I don’t want to be an ant
Well, I am not an ant!
I am God’s beloved
My God is with me
My God loves me
My God liberates
“I have come to give life
And to have life abundantly”
Said our Lord and Savior

I don’t want to be an ant
Well, I am not an ant!
My God is with me
My God cries with the oppressed
My God angers at injustice
Let justice roll down like water
And righteousness like an ever-flowing stream

I don’t want to be an ant
Well, I am not an ant!
I am God’s beloved
I see beyond myself
Beyond my self-indulgent lifestyle
Beyond my autopilot-self
I see evil in the world
I see other humans
Suffering
Crying
Oppressed
Ignored
Hurt
By other humans
They are in need of hope
They are on autopilot mode
Like ants in a colony

I don’t want to be an ant
Well, I am not an ant!
Because I am God’s beloved
I see worth in humans
And the world
I pledge to help my fellow humans
Guide my fellow humans
Give life to my fellow humans
But what can I do?
How can I achieve that?
I will teach
Teachers change the world
Teachers are not ants
And I am not an ant!

I don’t want to be an ant
Well, I am not an ant!
I am a teacher
A teacher of humans
To be God’s beloved
To be dignified people
To be compassionate people
To be soldiers against injustice
To be rebel-rousers!
To be liberated
To have abundant life
To be more than ants
I am not an ant
No, I am a teacher!

I don’t want to be an ant
Well, I am not an ant!
I am a teacher
But the duties of a teacher
Are as difficult as they can be
When what is expected of you
Is to teach others to be law-abiding ants
Graduate with a degree
Get a good job
Buy a big house
Live a good life
Retire in Florida
Ants don’t make good humans
They don’t fight against injustice
And overturn the powers that be
I don’t want to teach my fellow humans
To be ants
I want to teach them
To be humans

I don’t want to be an ant
Well, I am not an ant!
And God does not want more ants
God wants changes
In the way we live for others
In the way we love our enemies
In the way we confront injustice
But I can’t do it alone
Who’s alone?
I am not alone!
God is with me
Guiding me
Holding me
Teaching me
To teach others
God helps me change lives
From drones to individuals
From self-centered to communal-centered
From selfishness to selflessness
From ants to humans
If God is with me
Who can be against me?

I don’t want to be an ant
Well, I am not an ant!
I am God’s beloved
I am a teacher

Begin of ramble:
Ok, I was wondering... are ants primarily self-centered, but only come together for the good of their colony?

And, are the suffering and oppressed people like the child in Omelas? They pay the price so that we don't have to? Do they allow us to be more grateful that our child isn't the one living in filth and darkness in a closet? I dunno. The downside with that is some might see it as more reason to justify that its ok to let people suffer. But maybe we could only eliminate some suffering, but it can't completely go away. Perhaps everything exists in opposites, and in order for one side to exist, so must its "bad/negative" counterpart. Everything has a price?

I suppose from a Christian stand point, Jesus was already that scapegoat, he already died for our sins... so as a result suffering shouldn't be the price to pay in order for the rest of people to gain happiness. But if god doesn't exist, then oppression and suffering are the result of the price we pay for our everyday little convienances, not sin.

Why can't we take responsibilty for the crap we inflict on others, instead of being self-seeking, and wanting personal gain? Perhaps its that Mother Culture, whispering in our ear, telling us what to value. Why is that everything must have monetary value?

Just some odd thoughts. I've realized that we don't know anything. Ever feel like everyone is just saying things because it sounds nice/impressive.... but not really saying anything at all?

I realize that I may come off as being cynical of Christianity at times, but only because I see people that seem somewhat blind, or become so defensive of their beliefs. But, I can't blame them. Our beliefs are our foundation that we base everything else on and so, if I were to to question them, or perhaps bring up heretical ideas... thats like telling them they're ugly.

I am going to stop now, because this post is EXTREMELY long. Like 10 years. I apologize for not making sense, haha. It seems like things make sense in my head, but once they come out of my mouth, or write them down...not so much. Basically my posts on here are to give you a giggle or provide a helping of brain food. :)

2007-03-06T15:05:00.001-06:00

Stop the world, I want to get off.

Writers block

2007-03-01T15:34:00.000-06:00

... and when people don't seem to give a rip, I stop trying. I just think, if someone doesn't value the friendship, effort, whatever, why should I? Maybe that sounds a little harsh. But, a person can only give so much.

Snap-dawg. I really need to finish Story of B.

Other books I want/need to read:
The Value of Life: Biological Diversity and Human Society by Stephen R. Kellert
A Short History of Myth by Karen Armstrong
Gaviotas: A Village to Reinvent the World by Alan Weisman

All this transfer school application business has me stressed out. Gah.
Luckily this weekend is going to be good.

Satire

2007-02-25T14:43:00.000-06:00

I think the Invisible Pink Unicorn [May Her Hooves Never Be Shod] has been rapturing my socks.

Beware of the Purple Oyster of doom and his attempts to tempt you unto destruction and an eternity waxing his shell and massaging his most wretched and slimy feet!

2007-02-23T15:32:00.000-06:00

Do you want to live in a dump?

Neither do I.

Decrease your impact.

PLEASE recycle.

Get on the bus, Gus

2007-02-22T11:59:00.000-06:00

50 Ways to leave your Lover by Paul Simon is in my head.

You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Inspiring quotes?

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. [1809-1894]

You can really change the world if you care enough.
- Marian Wright Edelman [1939- ]

*The eye only sees what the mind is prepared to comprehend.
- Henri Bergson [1859-1941]

*I want to relate this to how what we see is biased. Seeing can mean seeing something physically, or the lesson learned or knowledge gained from a situation. For example, I used to have a blue coat and noticed all the other girls that had the same coat. It seemed like everyone had the same coat as me. Now I have a red and white coat, and its the same deal. I got some muffs for my ears and I've noticed other people who have the same style of muffs. You can see everything, yet at the same time not. (Walking to class, I "saw" all these students, but later actually notice certain things.) Your brain is going to pick out specific details so that it correlates with your understanding and experiences.

Weird huh?

Its been a week!

2007-02-21T13:47:00.000-06:00

http://www.zefrank.com

This site has a lot of cool things to mess around with.
Real post coming soon.

Bum bum brrrmp

2007-02-13T15:38:00.001-06:00

http://www.mr-bingo.co.uk/music.html

I always thought it would be cool if old ladies could beat box.